When trust feels solid, we feel a strong sense that we are on the same page with someone. We feel they truly understand and value us and respect our wishes and views. But how is it built? What exactly is involved? Continue reading “Deepening and Repairing Trust Involves This…”
They encountered many problems along the way. It was interesting to observe that the more they tried to “snuff out” or correct (individually) a particular issue and isolate it from the system in which it was existing, the less successful they were and the more robust the problem became.
An example of this unfolded when snails began to eat the bark of the fruit trees at a rapid rate, slowly destroying the fruit trees themselves—at first the farmers decided to save the trees by painstakingly plucking each snail from each tree.
The farmers understandably felt demoralized. They wanted so much to make their vision a reality, but couldn’t seem to make it all come together.
Removing the snails was futile and not to mention completely unsustainable for the farm—the snails simply returned after being removed. When they took a step back and observed the systems at play that were informing the problem, they were able to implement practices that nurtured natural solutions.
For example, they discovered that the ducks on the farm ate the snails which then allowed the snail population to slowly decrease. In order for the diversity of the farm to flourish and for the creatures and plants to multiply at a healthy rate leading to the diversity they desired, they had to facilitate the interplay and strength of the ecosystems on the farm. This required them to listen carefully to all that the farm was communicating on a daily basis.
It is interesting to apply this logic and understanding to our own health and sustainability. If we consider what makes a healthy relationship, and the idea of what constitutes a “healthy intimate relationship,” it is more than only what occurs between individuals. It is the outside forces at play, the family, society, culture, experiences of oppression and each individual’s relationship to self that informs and influences the felt experience of the relationship.
Each of us is our own complex ecosystem where there are many processes unfolding on a regular basis. If we do not attend to our own natural processes and nourish our internal systems, it will be difficult to tune into and respond to our own needs and feel a sense of wellness. Further, the “brokenness” happening outside our relationship is critical to understand how it affects us and how to empower ourselves amidst the brokenness.
Health and well-being is not the result of doing just one particular thing or avoiding that one other thing; health has many components.
Problems and their solutions need to be explored in context in order to create sustainable long-term improvement.
In training to become a therapist, we learn about taking a bio-psycho-social approach to understanding presenting issues. While there may be a biological component to an issue, the presentation is also influenced by additional contexts. This can help us to think about optimal functioning instead of merely what’s not healthy. We can start to look at health from a holistic stance: it is a series of choices, an overall feeling, a disposition, a mindset, and comes from an acknowledgment that one problem can significantly influence the balance of health in our own internal system – and the systems involved in relating to and developing a sense of self.
So often, it is common for individuals and couples to approach therapy from a perspective of, “If I can just fix this one issue,” or, “If I can just overcome this anxiety,” or, “If I could just improve communication with my partner, everything will be okay.”
While this reasoning in itself is not bad or wrong, we need to do more.
Desiring to address a particular problem and fantasizing that life will be better when the one issue is fixed is natural to romanticize. The simplicity of it all is a very tempting thought. However, in order to bring about sustainable healing and health, a deeper, systemic approach is often what’s needed.
Everyone goes through times when they feel discouraged, overwhelmed, and uncertain. Or, times when they are struggling in important relationships – whether with parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, or partners. Therapy can help by allowing you the space to explore the source of the struggle(s)…to heal…to feel encouraged, to take action, and build hope about what’s possible for the future.