When We Keep Falling Into the Same Hole
Whether we are navigating a painful relationship dynamic, chronic stress, anxiety, or depression — life has a way of quietly testing our limits.
Often, what brings someone to therapy is not a single dramatic event, but a pattern. A sense of, “How did I end up here again?” Or, “Why does this keep happening?”
There’s a well-known piece by Portia Nelson that captures this experience beautifully:
Chapter 1
I walked down the sidewalk and fell into a deep hole.
I couldn’t get out and I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to get out.
Chapter 2
I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again.
I couldn’t understand. It wasn’t my fault. I really had to struggle to get out.
Chapter 3
I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again.
This time I understood why and it was my fault. This time it was easier to get out.
Chapter 4
I walked down the sidewalk and saw the same big hole.
I walked around it. I didn’t fall into that hole.
Chapter 5
I chose another sidewalk.
Why Patterns Feel So Hard to Break
Many people assume that growth should mean we never struggle with the same issue twice. But real change rarely works that way.
Sometimes we find ourselves in familiar relationship dynamics — feeling unseen, over-responsible, or emotionally depleted. Other times we notice the same anxiety spike in predictable situations. We may even begin to wonder whether we’re somehow “attracting” the wrong people or repeating the same mistakes.
What makes this so frustrating is that, at first, the pattern often isn’t clear. We may be highly capable and self-aware in many areas of life — and still feel stuck in one particular place.
This is where therapy becomes powerful.
Not because it assigns blame.
Not because it demands perfection.
But because it helps you slow down long enough to see the pattern with clarity and compassion.
The Quiet Power of Choice
Taking ownership of your choices can feel confronting — but it is also deeply liberating.
When we pause and examine a recurring pattern, we begin to notice something important: there is usually more agency available than we initially believed.
You may not control how others behave.
You may not control every outcome.
But you can begin to influence your response.
Perhaps you notice that you repeatedly overextend yourself in relationships.
Perhaps you stay silent when you feel hurt.
Perhaps you say yes when you mean no.
Therapy creates space to ask:
- What role have I been playing here?
- What need am I hoping will finally be met?
- What would it look like to respond differently this time?
Even subtle shifts — setting one boundary, communicating one need more clearly, choosing to disengage from one unhelpful interaction — can begin to change the trajectory.
Growth does not require dramatic reinvention.
It requires awareness, intention, and practice.
Three Gentle Practices That Support Change
While deep, lasting change often unfolds within the therapeutic relationship, there are small ways to begin cultivating momentum.
1. Name Your Options
In moments of disappointment or conflict, we often collapse into a single narrative: “I failed.” “There’s nothing I can do.” “This always happens.”
But in nearly every situation, there are multiple paths forward.
Imagine being passed over for a promotion. The immediate emotional response may be shame or self-criticism. Yet when you slow down, you may see options:
- Explore opportunities elsewhere.
- Seek feedback and grow within your current role.
- Reassess whether this path aligns with your long-term values.
- Strengthen specific skills within your control.
Clarity reduces helplessness. Naming options restores agency.
2. Practice Self-Respect Instead of Self-Criticism
Research consistently shows that positive reinforcement fosters growth more effectively than harsh self-judgment.
Many high-achieving adults are fluent in self-criticism. Far fewer are practiced in self-compassion.
Instead of:
“I was foolish to think I could do that.”
Try:
“I showed up fully and took a meaningful risk.”
Instead of:
“I always mess this up.”
Try:
“I’m learning. This is part of the process.”
This is not false positivity. It is compassionate self-talk grounded self-respect.
And self-respect makes sustainable positive change possible.
3. Ask: What Is the Lesson Here?
Every difficult interaction or disappointment holds information.
If someone repeatedly cannot show up for you emotionally, the lesson may not be “try harder.” It may be “adjust your expectations” or “invest more deeply in relationships that feel reciprocal.”
If a particular environment consistently heightens your anxiety, the lesson may not be “be tougher.” It may be “this setting doesn’t align with your nervous system.”
Therapy helps you extract these lessons thoughtfully — without collapsing into blame or avoidance.
Choosing a Different Sidewalk
The most hopeful part of Portia Nelson’s poem is not that the hole disappears.
It’s that the self-awareness grows.
Eventually, we learn to recognize the pattern sooner.
We step around it.
Or we decide that the entire sidewalk is no longer aligned with who we are becoming.
That is the deeper work of therapy.
Not perfection.
Not instant transformation.
But increasing clarity, choice, and emotional freedom.
If you find yourself quietly wondering why certain patterns still hold power — despite your intelligence, strength, or success — you are not failing.
You are human.
And with the right support, it is absolutely possible to loosen old cycles and begin walking a different path — one chosen intentionally, rather than unconsciously repeated.
If you’re ready to explore what that could look like in your life, a thoughtful, focused space for reflection may be the next step.
