“We can learn something new anytime we believe we can.”
10 Ways to Significantly Improve Your Relationship in One Week:
Thank you for joining our caring community made up of members who value their relationships as much as you.
We’re so glad you’re here…
Modern MFT is a boutique psychotherapy practice specializing in helping couples to overcome difficult challenges and maintain excitement, satisfaction, and joy in their relationship over the long term. We provide accelerated couple programs to do exactly that throughout the year.
I appreciate your genuine desire to make improvements to your well-being. While I specifically designed this PDF with couples in mind, the content can easily be applied to all important relationships in your life. Remember, nurturing an exciting, mutually fulfilling relationship over the long term requires patience, dedication, and curiosity. First, accept that perfection doesn’t exist and that we all make mistakes.
01
Focus on meeting your own needs for a little while
When things are going poorly in our primary relationship, we have a tendency to focus on the other person as the problem. We can easily slip into a blame game and want to withdraw when it’s not going well for us. When we take some time to acknowledge and identify our own needs, we are in essence taking greater responsibility for the role we are playing in the experience of our own life.
Have you been neglecting some aspect of your self-care? How are your eating habits lately? Sleep quality? Perhaps you’ve been considering individual therapy for sometime but haven’t gotten around to actually scheduling an appointment…Whether it’s your physical health, emotional health or another important aspect of your well-being that you’ve been ignoring, taking time to make some self-improvements significantly impacts your ability to show up for the important people in your life.
Is there a particular area that really stands out for you? See if you can challenge yourself to take action toward two of your own needs this week. Write down the areas you have been neglecting in your life and the action steps you plan to take below or in the notes section of your phone.
Action Step 1:
I will complete this step by this date:
Action Step 2:
I will complete this step by this date:
02
Do something small + thoughtful for your partner
You don’t have to plan a luxurious getaway or make a grand gesture to demonstrate to your partner that you care. In her fun little book, 75 Things to Improve Your Marriage Without Your Spouse Even Knowing, Barbara Bartlein suggests a variety of small, simple, and insightful ideas you can do right away to improve your relationship without even talking about it. Some of my favorites include:
Send them a card for no reason
Dance in the living room (Make room for this! Move stuff around if you have to)
Laugh at their jokes ; )
Hug them from behind when they’re doing something
Be creative with this and have some fun! You know your partner best.
03
Follow through on a small relaxation ritual for yourself
Taking good care of yourself is essential when it comes to being a great partner. If you’ve been particularly stressed lately, what’s one small relaxation activity you can do this week that will help you create more peace in your life? It could be as small as taking a short walk around your neighborhood before heading home, or listening to one of Tara Brach’s free 10 minute meditations on her website. When we are effectively managing our stress levels, we are more in control of ourselves and more likely to operate from a place of emotional generosity, which can significantly enhance our ability to be present with ourselves and others.
To help me relax this week, I’m going to commit to the following activity:
(Make sure it’s realistic and achievable!)
04
Name three qualities that really attracted you to your partner when you first met.
Trust me, this one is golden! What drew you in to begin with!? Taking a moment to reflect on your initial attraction will help you to remember what it was like when things were better between you.
05
Be more proactive about a particular point of contention in your relationship
Isn’t it the worst when you want to discuss something important and your partner just isn’t meeting you half way?! Change it up and see what happens when you proactively bring up something your partner wants to discuss. By flipping this around and proactively engaging in something you know your partner wants to talk more about, you will help them to feel instantly more connected and in tune with you. I know this might be challenging and seem counter-intuitive— especially when you’re going through a tough time together, but it’s an important skill to improve for long-term relationship satisfaction.
06
Imagine your partner’s early life experiences
Developing a deeper level of empathy for your partner’s perspective and world view can significantly improve the way you approach arguments with your partner. When you act and inquire from a place of empathy and understanding for what your partner is experiencing in life, you can connect in a more meaningful way reflects an understanding of how their experiences have shaped the person they have become today. Remember, if you don’t know the answer to one or maybe all of these questions, just ask! Take a little extra time this week to start a conversation you don’t normally have with your partner. Stay curious!
What do you imagine it was like for your partner growing up?
What was the overall feeling “around the dinner table” when your partner was young?
How do you think your partner’s early experiences and present identity influence how they relate to you?
Are there some aspects of your identity that you feel your partner has a difficult time understanding? Are you going through a major life transition or trying to accomplish a big personal goal that’s impacting your connection?
What are a few things that stood out to you while thinking about these questions? Are there any areas you’d like to think more deeply about or are worthy of your time and attention?
07
Be a better listener. This includes the following:
Stop interrupting!
This is a tough but important one.
Pay attention to the meta communication— it’s not just about the content, it’s also about the energy, body language, and what is being conveyed in tone and style of communication. Be curious about the parts of your interactions that tend to trip you up when you try to listen to your partner.
Understand your triggers and what sets you off in conflict
Try asking yourself the following: “I feel threatened in my relationship when…” or I feel triggered in our interactions when…”. If we explore couple dynamic through an Emotionally Focused Therapy lens, it’s important to consider that underlying emotions trigger a behavior which then triggers an underlying emotion and behavior in your partner. Gaining important insight into your interactional dance is key to more fulfilling connection. In exploring more deeply how you contribute to your relationship dynamics, you begin to build a meaningful awareness of your interactional patterns and in doing so, you can also begin to interrupt the problematic ones.
Ask thoughtful questions…
…as if you’re listening to a close friend who is sharing something vulnerable with you…
Relationship researcher, Dr. Gottman, likes to say: “empathy and understanding must precede advice”. It is totally fine to give advice once your partner approves it, but by doing it beforehand, your dialogue is likely headed down hill fast. If the conversation allows, ask: would you like some suggestions or would you like to hear my take on it? This kind of checking in and listening allows you and your partner to deepen your trust and the level of emotional vulnerability in your relationship. When you practice this kind of deep listening, you will be nurturing more compassionate communication in your relationship. This kind of communication tends to get better and better with practice so get started!
08
Circle at least three positive attributes that you admire/ appreciate in your partner
Taking some time to reflect on the good things about your relationship and the person you are with can have an instant positive impact on your relationship. Just imagine if your partner came up to you out of the blue and shared with you what makes her excited or happy to have you as a partner, wouldn’t that feel awesome!? We all love to feel acknowledged, validated and valued. Sure, everyone has qualities that can be improved, no one is perfect or gets it right every time. Remembering this helps to create a level of accountability for how you show up in your relationships and the kind of energy you want to create in your interactions.
Take a look at the list of the qualities below and try it out:
Can you take it one step further and actually share how much you appreciate these special qualities with your partner directly?? Can you think of a great time to share it in-person? Maybe over dinner or while you’re getting into bed after a long day, maybe sometime when your partner least expects it?
09
Identify other supports in your life and nurture a relationship with them
Even just one outside support: a friend, family member, colleague whom you like talking to can create a more positive dynamic in your primary relationship. Reach out and have brunch with that person, give them a call or send them a text to start a conversation. You don’t have to pour your heart out, just connect meaningfully with that person. Everyone benefits from friendships. Men, especially, tend not to share as much in their friendships with other men when compared to how women tend to share in their female friendships. While our notions of masculinity are certainly more expansive and continue to evolve as gender becomes more fluid, it can still be challenging for many men to open up about a struggle or a challenging situation. Calling upon a support person outside of your significant other can significantly improve your overall sense of well-being.
According to his recent book, Breaking the Male Code, author Dr. Robert Garfield talks about the power of male friendships. Men often keep feelings inside and as a result do not reap the many significant benefits that come with sharing emotions. So go ahead and give that person a call! It just takes one person and you don’t have to be best friends either— studies show it can have the same benefits whether it’s a best friend or a more loose connection.
10
Reserve one hour of time (when you both have energy) to just BE with your partner. Perhaps you may need to adjust your schedule and really make this a priority in order to do it. Allow the space to unfold as it will. Do not have any specific expectations, just allow yourselves to be in each other’s company and see what happens.
Esther Perel, an insightful and provocative relationship healer and one of my clinical teachers once said: if partners spent 1/8 of their time nurturing their relationship the way they nurtured their businesses or careers, I doubt any of them would ever have to come to see me… While this humorous observation seems simple, it’s too often the case that couples do not prioritize preserving quality time together. Esther suggests meeting up for lunch—when you have energy instead of late at night after long day. Try it out this week and see how it changes things : ) For more information on this topic and many others, visit my Facebook page.
You can do this! Maintaining a connected, exciting, and fun-filled relationship takes on-going effort. At times in your relationship, you are bound to hit bumps that make the ride less enjoyable. It’s how you repair arguments and nurture your connection over time that makes all the difference.
Good Luck!
