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“We desperately need a more open dialogue about how severely heartbreak impacts our emotions and functioning. And for such discussions to be productive, we have to disavow ourselves of the notion that there is something childish, embarrassing, or inappropriate about feeling severe emotional anguish when our heart is broken because heartbreak is devastating at any age.” –Guy Winch

Dealing With Heartbreak…

Breakups can be one of the most painful emotional experiences whether or not you initiated it or even when they’re mutual. Often they involve many complicated emotions all at once—maybe you didn’t want it to end, and so you feel a deep and painful void. Or maybe you feel it was right that it ended but still deeply miss the person or aspects of the relationship you shared together.

Overwhelming Grief…

It might even feel like the loneliness can only be resolved by being with the person again. You might have regrets, unanswered questions, and many worries about the future–this is normal and to be expected. The grieving process can be overwhelming and feel like a double whammy in some ways—you might miss the person and then also the life you built together. You might know it’s for the best, but feel a deep sadness inside. Healing is possible and it starts with self reflection.

Deepening Self-Awareness…

Breakups bring a new beginning that we might not feel ready to step into fully. If you’re lucky, you may have had the chance to process your emotions together, but so often relationships end without this opportunity. When we honor our unique process of healing it allows us to move forward with greater clarity and intention.

You can learn to acknowledge:

“I am in pain, how can I allow myself to be curious about this experience?”

“How can I take care of myself through this rough patch?”

Allowing yourself the space and time to grieve, to reflect, and to use your supports can help you move through the pain and build greater awareness for yourself as a partner. We often want ‘resolve’ emotional pain ASAP, but our hearts just don’t work that way. Often, there is important work to engage in around this ending so that you can be available, receptive, and ready for your new beginning. Dating with intention is a unique process. It can be worthwhile to check in with self and make any updates as necessary.

How Therapy Can Help…

When we take the time to explore our inner world and address past hurts, we experience a powerful shift. To help begin the exploration process, you can ask yourself:

What are my beliefs about relationships?
What constitutes a healthy relationship?
How do I make space for my needs?
What are my own personal goals in life? What are my dreams and why? How do I want to feel in my relationships?

Relationship beliefs can be both helpful/ unhelpful, here are a few covered in the evidence-based Seeking Safety model by Dr. Lisa Najavits:

Helpful beliefs:
Seeks understanding, not blame
In healthy, close relationships, anything can be talked about
While losing a relationship may be painful, I can mourn and move on
A good relationship requires effort but is worth it
It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship

Unhelpful beliefs:
I am always wrong, the other person is always right
Good relationships are easy
I must be liked by everyone
The other person has to change
Bad relationships are all I can get

Which ones resonate for you?

In healing yourself and addressing problematic patterns/ behaviors, you create new pathways of relating–which in turn can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. If you are going through a difficult breakup, perhaps MAPs For Life Transitions can help! This unique program helps you deal with major life transition so you can experience relief and a sense of hope for your future. To get started, call 917.708.7088.

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Deepening your understanding of your current boundary needs and setting a plan to honor them is radical self-love.

If you have a hard time setting boundaries, you might struggle to feel productive or that you’re truly tending to your own needs. Life often feels scary and overwhelming without them. You set boundaries to protect yourself and so you can be at your best. Thinking carefully about your boundaries with self and others helps you to be more intentional.

Can you think of a recent experience where you could have benefited from setting a better boundary?

When I first started my private practice back in 2014, some of the advice I received was “you want to be available anytime so you can accommodate appointments.” It can be easy to overextend yourself in the service of others–especially as a therapist. While this may sound like a great idea in theory, what I’ve learned in my decade of being a practicing therapist is that offering the special service of therapy is a very energy-sensitive kind of offering–one that requires great care to deliver well. If I am not rested, nourished, or if I’m struggling in some way to meet my own needs, it’s not possible for me to provide the best possible service to my clients. In being thoughtful about my boundaries when it comes to type of offering/ when I offer my services and for how long, I am able to map out my time in such a way that allows me to be at my best.

When you have good and clear boundaries with self and others, everyone wins. Because I have thought through my own needs, I’m able to be flexible in certain areas and I also know where I’m not able to be flexible.

What do boundary problems look like?

Boundary problems often present themselves in two ways: diffuse or rigid. When boundaries are too diffuse, we may struggle with enmeshed relationships. Essentially, there is too much closeness. When boundaries are too rigid, we might struggle to let someone in or build healthy connection with others. Essentially, we are too distant and have a hard time trusting others.

Boundary issues are important to correct and work on because they impact how we function in various relationships — with partners, colleagues, family members, friendships, and even on a first date.

Boundary issues can cause serious problems if unaddressed because they can lead us to being taken advantage of, exploited, or unable to feel entitled to stand our ground on an issue. They can also lead to shutting people out, isolating ourselves, and not asking for help when we need it.

In real life this might look like:

• Struggling to say no when you want to
• Not listening to yourself/ going against your judgment
• Indecision for fear of letting others down
• Giving in too easily
• Not being clear with others
• Subordinating your needs to others
• Withholding from others
• Closing self off from connection
• Struggling to reach out
• Struggling to make meaningful connections

What are intrapersonal boundaries?

A critical but often overlooked aspect of this work is intrapersonal boundaries or boundaries within self. We often think of boundaries in the context of being between people, but boundaries within self are just as important.

For example, how you might talk to yourself about engaging in a potentially harmful situation or leaving work at a normal time rather than overworking. Intrapersonal boundary work is especially important since we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. You can begin to work on boundary issues by practicing out loud what it sounds like/ feels like to say “yes” and “no” in specific situations of your life.

I’ll share more about this in an upcoming post ; )

If you are struggling with this area, here are a few questions that might be helpful to consider:

• My ideal situation would be_____.
• I wish _____ was different about _______.
• What makes it tough to set a boundary when it comes to _______?
• How would it feel to have a more clear boundary in place as it relates to _______?
• What are my top priorities right now?
• What are three areas of struggle for me right now and how long has it felt this way?

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Frequency and Presentation:

It is estimated that depression affects approximately 16% of the US population.

Depression can feel like seeing life through dark sunglasses, making it hard to find any joy in daily life. You might feel withdrawn and desire to isolate more and more. Depression can look like prolonged sadness, loneliness, irritability, lack of motivation, sleep issues, frustration, anger, resentment, and can lead a person to isolate and pull away from connecting with others; inadvertently worsening the feelings of depression. Life then, can become a self fulfilling prophesy–you feel depressed and then you don’t take any action and because you don’t take action, you continue to feel depressed.

Sometimes it can feel so apparent that something needs to change, but actually taking that first step of asking for help feels like the hardest part. 

Context

In my experience, depression, and more generally speaking mood related issues, also manifest differently based on an individual’s identity, background, socialization, and environmental factors that are experienced as being “out of one’s control,” making it difficult to identify mood concerns as depression. One example of this was found in a recent study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association which found that when men are depressed they may experience symptoms that are different than what is included in the current diagnostic criteria. Although men were likely to experience many traditional depression symptoms, men were much more likely to report symptoms of anger attacks/aggression, irritability, substance abuse, and risk-taking behaviors over symptoms such as withdrawal from friends, sleep problems, and feelings of complaintiveness. (JAMA Psychiatry)

Depression may manifest as a major impairment or in a more mild form which prevents you from actively working toward your goals and living with more intention. If left untreated, depression can be quite damaging to your sense of self, perceived competence, and your ability to maintain satisfying relationships.

Finding Relief…

Therapy for depression includes constructing a plan to relieve symptoms which also involves developing a deeper understanding of how to feel empowered within the contextual factors that contribute to what you’re experiencing. A holistic, 6-part approach has been known to be effective when treating depression: 

• Brain Food– evaluating your diet and making changes to help support your mood and overall functioning can help to improve moods. I often collaborate with other providers such as your primary care physician and nutritionist in order to help you make improvements in a healthy and responsible way.
• Action-putting into place a plan that is doable. Setting achievable goals and following through with them is part of managing depression. Through therapy, we will also help you to put outside supports in place and create a sense of community for yourself.
• Exercise– studies have shown that just 35 minutes of working out even in the form of a simple brisk walk, can be just as impactful as medications for depression so it’s worth giving it a try. In therapy, you will be able to make a plan that works for your lifestyle so you can make realistic progress.
• Exposure to light-bright light stimulates the brain’s production of serotonin, which is crucial to our well-being. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter with widespread effects on mood and behavior. (The Depression Cure)
• Sleep-is critical to our overall well-being and worth working on to improve. Here are a few tips to help you make some adjustments (list adapted from the book The Depression Cure, by Dr. Stephen Ilardi):
  • Set the scene for sleep. What does your bedroom look and feel like? Is it peaceful and conducive to rest? If not, what small improvements can you make to help set the scene? Studies show that cooler temperatures and a dark room facilitates higher quality sleep.
  • Anytime you’ve been lying awake for fifteen minutes, get up, leave the bedroom, and do something relaxing until you feel drowsy enough to return to bed.
  • Avoid getting into bed anytime you aren’t drowsy.
  • Anything you do to increase your drowsiness should be done somewhere other than the bedroom.
  • You can make an exception in the case of sex.
  • Avoid sleeping anywhere other than your own bed (i.e.- sofa, guest room, recliner).
    • Also helpful: get up at the same time every day, avoid napping, avoid bright light at night, avoid caffeine and other stimulants, avoid alcohol at night, if possible, keep the same bedtime every night, avoid taking your problems to bed with you (try a brain dump in a journal before getting to bed for example), don’t try to fall asleep.
• Cultivate healthy, reciprocal connections/ let go of toxicity-connection heals and combats loneliness. All of us are born to connect. When we don’t feel meaningfully connected to others, we inevitably suffer. The late researcher, Dr. John Cacioppo developed the following acronym to help people with the process of cultivating connection. He believed it was important to EASE your way back into social connections…
  • The first E stands for “extend yourself,” but extend yourself safely. Do a little bit at a time.
  • The A is “have an action plan.” Recognize that it’s hard for you. Most people don’t need to like you, and most people won’t. So deal with that, it’s not a judgment of you, there’s lots of things going on. Ask [other people] about themselves, get them talking about their interests.
  • The S is “seek collectives.” People like similar others, people who have similar interests, activities, values. That makes it easier to find a synergy.
  • And finally when you do those things, “Expect” the best. The reason for that is to try to counteract this hyper-vigilance for social threat.  

Hope

Therapy can be instrumental in making important shifts when it comes to managing depression. In my practice, I work with folks to help them honor what their depression may be trying to communicate and set a realistic plan to create a healthy routine and connection. Together we’ll work to help you gain a sense of stability while creating a more sustainable path forward. Treatment will take into consideration your history, past coping mechanisms, overall health and wellness, and your current support system and aim to strengthen these areas. Therapy is a unique type of service in that it requires you to be active both inside and outside of the therapy office. With that said, therapy requires a commitment to the process and a willingness to try something new and different.

Lisa A. Martin, PhD¹; Harold W. Neighbors, PhD²; Derek M. Griffith, PhD^3,4

JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(10):1100-1106. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.1985

The Depression Cure by Stephen Ilardi

**This post is meant to provide general educational information regarding the management of depression; it does not take the place of therapy or medical advice from your doctor.

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I hope you are safe and well as we continue to navigate these uncertain and scary times together. 

I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts/ resources in the hope that it spreads some hope and serves as a gentle reminder that we have the capacity to exercise some control as we go through our days in the context of this unprecedented time due to COVID-19.

Creating a sense of control…

If there is any possible silver lining to self isolation, it may be that it is allowing us to reflect more deeply on how we spend our days. Perhaps this can help us to evaluate our intentions and be more present with our choices, our boundaries, and the people we choose to keep close. However, in addition to social distance, some of us may also be tasked with actually caring for loved ones who fall ill as we are all being significantly impacted in a variety of ways. Let’s not forget that we are all in this together. Kindness, curiosity, and small acts of care can go a long way!

There is no point in sugar coating: crisis mode is scary. Uncertainty can leave us with a feeling of losing control — unable to act in constructive ways. Sometimes it helps just to share with someone any strong feelings we might be having so that we can allow ourselves to receive some support and comfort.

Let’s not forget that there is so much healing energy in just listening and feeling heard. You can do this for a partner, a friend, a neighbor, a family member, or a colleague. You can also do it for yourself – through journaling or meditating, for example.

Making adjustments…

As we continue to adjust to social distancing, new work schedules, and increased time at home alone or with family, it’s important to keep a sense of structure to our days. If we have small children, this is especially important. In maintaining a schedule, we can have a sense of normalcy and take the necessary steps to move through our days with a sense of purpose and control. 

When we are in a space of extreme unknowns, fear can trigger our stress response cycle. It can take a toll and leave us feeling stuck if we don’t respond to it and work to stabilize ourselves. 

In working to stabilize, putting supports in place, and creating new routines, we can do what we can to maintain a sense of inner peace, self-control, and normalcy when facing the uncertainty of the outside world. 

Start small…

When feeling overwhelmed, start very small – even just focusing on our breath can have a significant impact on helping us to calm down so that we can become more effective. Just taking three deep breaths in and out, calmly and very slowly can help us regulate. 

It takes our bodies approximately 20-minutes to calm down from a heightened state of arousal, think: when we are upset with someone, in an tough argument with a partner, or when we are feeling frustrated or triggered by something. This is because the stress hormones that are released when in fight, flight, or freeze mode need time to leave our bloodstream. We need to calm down in order to be effective. So take some time today (individually or with a partner) to do some deep breathing and get to a more settled place. 

Creating an action plan to stabilize ourselves (as best we can), our relationships, and our family can help. There may be many feelings of fear and worry swirling around and this is a perfectly normal response to what has been unfolding as a result of the pandemic. These emotions are to be expected while experiencing a collective community/ global trauma. It’s important to honor any feelings that might be coming up by processing them so that you can feel supported in making a plan that works. It may be a good idea to take some space to gain clarity and talk through the worries by preserving some space in the coming weeks to unpack them in a thoughtful manner. 

Setting boundaries + intentions…

You may find that, in order to stabilize, you have to take certain steps to help you sustain yourself and this may involve making tough decisions too.

This might include talking through how to care for older family members, how to navigate childcare, finding time for good virtual social supports, and managing time for both work and personal while at home. 

If you are living with a partner, you may find it’s important to preserve some alone time along with your together time so that you can maintain connection and balance in your relationship while self-quarantining. 

Taking time to open up about these important areas can be incredibly helpful when it comes to feeling more in control and maintaining a sense of calm. In discussion, you have a chance to better understand yourself and what action steps you may need to take to feel more grounded. 

You may find that you will need to sort out a more constructive way to work from home so that you can maintain your projects and responsibilities. This may also involve evaluating your present boundaries and updating them or making some small adjustments. 

Take some time to organize yourself and get clear on how best to proceed given your unique situation. This is a unique circumstance where self-compassion is critical.

Give yourself a break…

Moving through COVID-19 is stressful! Save all the harshness for another time. (Better yet, just get rid of the harsh self-talk altogether!) 

You will not have everything perfectly sorted in a day. It might take a little time to work out a good system for yourself and loved ones and that’s okay. 

There is no right way to start, we just have to start. 

Fear has a way of robbing us of our ability to make good decisions and act rationally. From a grounded place, we can set the stage for the right action steps to take in order to maintain a sense of personal control and stability. 

A few simple suggestions to help you move through the coming weeks:

Create cozy moments in your day

It might be preparing a special meal, listening to music, lighting a candle, or using a special body oil. Shifting the atmosphere – even in a small way, can help promote a sense of calm and improve our mood. 

maintain at least 20 minutes of physical activity a few days per week

With many gyms closed and most of us staying indoors for much or all of the day, workout routines are significantly disrupted. Perhaps you can do a few reps of strength training or floor exercises to help you get moving. You may want to put on some music and just dance for 20 minutes or even join a virtual dance party. Any movement can help to significantly boost mood, complete the stress-response cycle, and help promote a sense of calm. 

Be thoughtful about nutrition and especially processed sugar intake

While we are more restricted with our days, it seems even more important than normal to pay close attention to our nutritional intake and maintain high doses of fruits and veggies now. Perhaps take a little special care to add in a few more servings of the good stuff over these next few weeks. You may want to use some time to pay a little more attention to meal prep in general. 

Dedicate some time to have a few stress-reducing conversations with a partner or a friend 

Social support and connection are essential to our well-being and especially in times of significant uncertainty. In stressful times, we need to experience both giving and receiving in order to help maintain feelings of closeness. A stress-reducing conversation helps you feel calm and cared for, try it out!

Plan some virtual dates with friends/ family

Get together with people! Just because we are limiting our time out doesn’t mean we have to stop socializing altogether. Schedule some time to talk to your people. We are all in this together and maintaining connection matters.

Maintain a normal routine/ schedule of activities, naps, mealtimes for kids

Kids need structure to thrive. If you have little ones and they are used to going to school or daycare, you will need to help recreate their activities and schedule so that they have a sense of what to expect day to day. It can help to have a few activities on hand similar to the activities and experiences your child may be involved in when going to daycare or school. You can help them to transition smoothly to being at home full-time by planning ahead to structure their day in a way that feels familiar and comforting. 

Protect your energy levels

It’s important to preserve a sense of peace as best we can. Let the news update instead of dominate. This can be tough when it feels we are constantly bombarded with the latest stories. However, it’s important to set limits and boundaries around how much exposure is necessary and helpful. You may find it’s helpful to try and balance staying informed with disconnecting by a certain time. Or, perhaps setting a time to stop checking for updates can be a helpful boundary. 

Get adequate rest and prioritize your sleep

Creating rituals to shut down your day can be helpful. If sleep has been a challenge more recently, perhaps you can just start with one small adjustment like making some soothing tea about 30-minutes prior to sleep or setting a time to put down all screens to start your bedtime routine. If you find yourself worried about your to-do list before bed, you may want to try a ‘brain dump’ exercise where you write down all the things you’d like to get to in order to release it. This can help you to psychologically give yourself permission to rest. 

These small behavior changes can go a long way in terms of creating the right atmosphere to help sleep come more easily. Remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out right away, you can just start with one small thing to help you move closer to the goal. If sleep has been problematic, here are some great tips to help you along.

A few news break distractions/ helpful resources:

The Tribeca Film Festival, like so many cultural/ community events, has been put on hold for the time being. However, you can still enjoy some entertaining shorts when you sign for their newsletter. You can check out their latest one here.

If struggling to get more organized at home, check out this great article featuring Karin Bohn’s design tips for how to set up a work space at home (when used to working in an office).

This interesting interview featuring Lori Gottlieb about her new book: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone – where she journeys into her experience both as a therapist and as a client. 

If you are feeling particularly tense, take a few minutes to listen to some running water or the sounds of a forest…check out the Mindfulness Coach app for a variety of brief meditations to help you relax and ground yourself. The nature sounds can be found under practice now—> all —> mindful listening. 

In addition, I’ll be hosting a free (ongoing) virtual mindfulness group on Mondays from 11:30-12:00. So if you’d like a little FaceTime with a familiar face where we practice some skills together, please join me! You can sign up here.

In keeping with the present safety measures, Modern MFT is now offering virtual sessions so we have the chance to meet face to face in the comfort of home. If you find yourself needing some additional support, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Well, I do hope there’s something useful in here for you; and feel free to share this with others if you think it might be helpful. These are anxiety-provoking and uncertain times, so please treat yourself kindly. And remember the words of Winston Churchill: ‘When you’re going through hell, keep going.’

Sending you peace and positive energy. 

Warmly,

Jennifer 

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You should sit in nature for 20 minutes a day…unless you’re busy, then you should sit for an hour – Zen saying

Our relationship to nature can be a complex one. Exploring more deeply our personal experiences and what constitutes quality time in nature can help us to be more intentional when it comes to prioritizing our mental health and wellness. 

Many of us might feel stuck at a desk for most of the day and struggle to prioritize an adequate amount of time in nature. It’s important to consider not only how much time you spend in nature but also the quality of that time. Recent studies demonstrate that regular, meaningful contact with nature is correlated with greater mental and physical health, just as minimal or no contact with nature is associated with symptoms such as depression, anxiety, a sense of malaise, feelings of emptiness, attention problems, poor sleep, obesity, heart disease, and hypertension (Barton & Pretty, 2010; Martyn & Brymer, 2016; Weng & Chiang, 2014).

At the American Family Therapy Academy’s national conference a few years back, I heard a wonderful and thought-provoking talk about taking an eco-informed approach to therapy which left a major impression on me.

The presenter, Dr. Tracey Laszloffy, emphasized the importance of helping clients to not only take inventory of how much time they spend in nature, but also helping them to assess the quality of their time in nature. So for example, if we are “in nature” but glued to our phone the entire time, are we truly experiencing the many benefits of nature?

In modern times, it is not unusual for many of us to be without much time in nature for weeks or even months at a time.

In a newly published article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Dr. Lazsloffy and her colleague Dr. Davis share:

Our hope is to invite a consideration of the role of nature in one’s life (and vice‐versa), prompt a sincere reflection on one’s values about nature, and commit to assessing for and encouraging regular involvement with nature should clients so desire. (Lazsloffy & Davis, 2019)

Although the journal article is geared specifically toward mental health professionals, these insightful questions can help anyone to take a closer look at their relationship to nature and begin to explore it further: 

• What kind of interactions did you have with nature as a child?
• How did you play or not play outdoors?
• How much or how little did your parents engage with you in outdoor activities?
• What thoughts and feelings did you have about nature as a child?
• What thoughts and feelings do you currently have about nature?
• How would you describe your relationship with nature?
• What, if any, value does nature have to you?
• How much time do you currently spend outdoors each week?
• Is this amount of time acceptable to you? Does it meet your needs? If not, what prevents you from having more time?
• What effect does interacting with/spending time in nature have on you?
• Where are your favorite outdoor places and spaces? Why?
• What are your most feared or disliked natural places/spaces? Why?
• To what extent are you able to derive comfort and healing from the natural world?

As indigenous communities have long understood, and as a growing body of research is beginning to demonstrate, an essential component of health and wellness involves having regular, meaningful contact with nature. (Besthorn, Wulff, & St. George, 2010; Louv, 2011; Pretty, 2004; Weng & Chiang, 2014).

Given the commitment that family therapists have to contextualizing our understanding of human experience, it only makes sense that we would include the ecological context in our consideration. (Laszloffy & Davis 2019)

If you’d like to increase quality time spent in nature, what are some of your obstacles? What’s one step you can take this week to help you move closer to your wish?

References:

Besthorn, F. H., Wulff, D., & St. George, S.(2010). Eco‐spiritual helping and postmodern therapy: A deeper ecological framework. Ecopsychology, 2(1), 23–32.

Louv, R. (2011). The nature principle: Human restoration and the end of nature‐deficit disorder. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books.

Pretty, J. (2004). How nature contributes to mental and physical health. Spirituality and Health International, 5, 68–78.

Weng, P., & Chiang, Y. (2014). Psychological restoration through indoor and outdoor leisure activities. Journal of Leisure Research, 46(2), 203–217.

Barton, J., & Pretty, J. (2010). What is the best dose of nature and green exercise for improving mental health? A multi‐study analysis. Environmental Science and Technology, 44(10), 3947–3955.

Martyn, P., & Brymer, E. (2016). The relationship between nature relatedness and anxiety. Journal of Health Psychology, 21, 1436–1445.

Laszloffy, T. A., & Davis, S. D. (2019). Nurturing nature: Exploring ecological self-of-the-therapist issues. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(1), pp. 176-185.

For more information on this topic, you can check out the following resources:

Videos

A playlist of TED talks focusing on reconnecting with nature: https://www.ted.com/playlists/398/reconnect_with_nature

Podcasts

http://www.npr.org/2013/09/27/216098121/everything-is-connected

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I often think about this especially when it comes to relationships and how we relate and interact in relationships and how we experience closeness with others. For some, it is difficult to cultivate this consistently. There is often a tendency to look at how others impact us instead of how we impact others. I think we need to reverse this. This is not to say that how others treat us or interact with us isn’t important, (of course it is!), but in order to “do our part” we need to examine how we are contributing to the conversation and how we are entering an interaction. For example, we might be out in the world and maybe we are feeling rather small or insignificant in some ways –  how does this then translate into how we experience ourselves and others in relationship?

If we didn’t grow up in an environment where we felt validated and affirmed (or particularly important in terms of how we felt or what we had to say), it can be harder to trust and truly believe in our goodness or believe in our gifts – or to even identify what our gifts are. This is especially difficult if we are also part of a group that has a history of being oppressed or shut out or shut down in their everyday lives. This can make it incredibly difficult to cultivate a sense of “I matter” “how I show up – what I have to say, my feelings have a right to be heard, I matter, I count.” I think if we don’t cultivate that inside as we grow, we can go our whole lives feeling a sense of “without” or a sense that we are not important. This has grave consequences – relationally, culturally, and globally.

So where to start? In my work as a therapist, I am always conscious and interested in how I help a person to become more empowered in their own life. There is a process involved: assessment, history taking, understanding of what’s working, what’s not, etc. I like to work very organically with my clients meaning that if something comes up that we feel deserves more time and attention, we may stay there for a little while to explore and to heal. Foundational to where we go is understanding their values as an individual. Exploring what is truly important and why helps us to have clarity about how we decide to move through life. Congruence, meaning your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are in alignment. You don’t say “I’m fine” when you actually feel terrible. You don’t say you care about someone but your actions prove otherwise. You are in alignment. When we are congruent, we can move through life with greater intention and make decisions with courage and conviction. 

The post Cultivating Resilience, Self-Belief, and Identity appeared first on Modern MFT.

Therapy offers a tailored approach to your personal development and improvement, and it provides a safe space to address a variety of concerns that are preventing you from enjoying your life to the fullest.

As a therapist, I can tell you that many of my clients reach out because they are struggling with a major life transition, a painful relationship issue, career related concerns, or a family conflict. Other times, people reach out to improve their physical intimacy and the quality of their communication with their partners. Sometimes they come in to develop healthy coping skills and work on living in more alignment with their personal values.

Additionally, some people come in to work on wounds that were never properly cleaned or ‘disinfected’ so-to-speak, and so the work involves ‘removing the bandaid,’ tending to the damage, and re-bandaging the wound so that it can finally heal.

To help my clients, I first listen carefully not only to their personal stories and what brings them in, but also to the many different narratives that make up their unique identities.

I walk with people for little while, holding hope, strength, and the firm belief that things can improve…

I founded Modern Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC to expand my capacity to help others to live fuller, more enjoyable lives by addressing issues and patterns that are acting as barriers to real connection and personal fulfillment. My  approach is based on the belief that the therapy experience should feel safe, open, honest, and constructive. I help my clients take the necessary steps to make their lives and relationships more fulfilling, productive, and easier.

”We get together on the basis of our similarities, we grow on the basis of our differences.”

-Virginia Satir

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