“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” -George Bernard Shaw

Getting started in couples therapy…

With so many demands on the marital relationship/ long-term partnerships, many couples struggle to maintain a satisfying sense of connection over the long-term.

Ongoing conflict regarding communication, intimacy, affection, personal fulfillment, family, career concerns, etc., can quickly erode the quality of  a relationship if left unaddressed.

In my experience as a relationship therapist, I have seen many couples improve their ability to successfully navigate difficult issues by developing a deeper sense of empathy for their partner’s experience and transforming problematic patterns of interaction.

Many couples are interested in couples therapy at various times in their relationship (which is completely normal), but often there might be some uncertainty around whether it’s the right service at the right time. To help bring some clarity, this article is all about couples therapy at Modern MFT, its purpose, and the typical course of treatment.

How can therapy help?

Therapy can help couples to discuss difficult topics more easily by getting to the heart of the matter and offering guidance, support, and encouragement while creating a more sustainable path forward.

It is sometimes helpful to view couples therapy as an important investment in the overall emotional health of a couple or family’s well-being. Relationship counseling, while relatively short-term in duration, is designed to have a lasting positive impact on the quality of an individual’s most valued intimate connections.

What’s involved in couples therapy? 

When getting started in couples therapy, I like to meet with a couple at least once per week. This helps to establish a high quality working relationship and allows me the opportunity to get to know each person in a meaningful way. Through our consistent meetings, we are able to build trust, a sense of safety, and momentum toward the desired outcomes.

In developing a deeper understanding of the many factors influencing the distress, we can effectively work through the blocks, the hurts, and any trust ruptures related to the presenting concerns. We can sort out the source of the distress and determine the best route toward a more optimal intimacy.

The process of therapy typically includes four phases: an assessment period, a collaborative working phase in which the areas of concern are addressed in-depth, a maintenance phase, and a termination phase.

How long will it last?

It is difficult to say how many sessions are required in order to address particular issues or concerns since there are many factors that can influence the process of therapy. It is a collaborative process between the client(s) and therapist. Ongoing communication and trust are essential. In my work, I have noticed that when partners are committed to their unique work in therapy, they often start feeling better in their relationship very early on in the therapy.

Sometimes the reasons for coming in might seem like they require a relatively superficial fix, but in order to create meaningful and lasting results, a more in-depth exploration and understanding of the issues is necessary.

In therapy, we are not merely bandaging a wound, rather we are tending to the damage and examining how it happened in the first place. The goal is optimal functionality and flexibility.

It’s important that each partner feels comfortable with the therapist and the commitment to therapy so that there are minimal impediments to the process. Couples who are curious and open to self-discovery often have the best outcomes in therapy.

Course of treatment:

In the assessment phase, we work to develop a deeper understanding of the presenting issue(s) which provides an important foundation for the work ahead. Significant information can also be provided through the intake form which helps to facilitate and expedite the process.

Once I have an understanding of each person’s perspective, history, and the present relationship dynamics, I can then customize a way of facilitating the necessary growth. This might also include collaborating with any other treatment providers involved.

Assessment

In the initial stage, we often visit a variety of relationship concerns or topics regarding a couple’s overall sense of satisfaction. This might include discussing  interactional patterns, communication, issues pertaining to affection, trust, desire, etc. We may also construct a family genogram for each partner in order to better understand interactional patterns and any intergenerational trauma that may be impacting the felt experience in the present relationship.

Working through the struggles

The next phase of treatment often involves a series of tailored interventions and conversations designed to address the the specific areas of concern for a particular couple. This may include a blend of intimate conversations, homework assignments, in-session activities, and exercises designed to access the underlying dynamics and transform the problematic cycle of interaction.

Oftentimes, couples experience a significant shift in their relationship during this point in treatment as their relationship begins to feel less rigid and stifled. Couples often report feeling as though a “weight has been lifted.”

Growth often involves helping the partners to heal a present or past emotional hurt, re-establish a sense of trust and togetherness, or work through difficulties related to communication, intimacy or affection. It is necessary to stay committed to the work as it takes some time to establish new ways of operating as a couple. Sometimes, there are deep and profound individual changes that have resulted from the work in therapy–which may require partners some time and space to readjust to the new landscape. This is normal and expected.

Maintaining the progress

In the maintenance and termination phase, we have brought about important changes in the functionally of the relationship and the progress is sustainable. We have been able to address the inevitable setbacks and frustrations and have created stability in the quality of the relationship.

During this phase, we sometimes transition to another important aspect of the work that was not as initially pressing as the original reason(s) for seeking treatment. Other times, a couple may decide that they have reached and maintained a great place and feel comfortable winding down treatment.

Termination

The termination phase allows us the opportunity to look back at the growth and provides time to anticipate barriers and plan ahead for the inevitable ups and downs in the future. This period also enables the couple to solidify their progress and a chance to end therapy with a sense of dignity.

Considerations

When we are struggling or hurting in some way, it’s only natural to want the discomfort to stop immediately. During these painful moments of life, we can be vulnerable and seek to resolve important interpersonal matters through a quick fix. A commitment to the process of therapy can provide the appropriate guidance, in-depth healing, and repair of difficult intimate relationship struggles.

As an aside, there are times when couples therapy may be premature–meaning that there are potentially significant barriers to treatment which may require partners to seek individual therapy first for a period of time to address certain personal issues. However, this is dependent on many factors and is evaluated on a case by case basis. It’s important that partners are in a place to be able to receive the benefits of therapy for their relationship.

Building a more optimal intimacy…

In therapy, there is sometimes a tendency to focus on resolving here and now conflicts rather than on addressing a big picture sense of fulfillment. However, in focusing on optimal intimacy and the underlying causes of distress, couples therapy can bring about much more meaningful and lasting change. Ideally, we are not just fixing a set of issues, but rather, we are creating a deeper sense of fulfillment between partners and in their individual lives.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
-Proust 

The post How Does Couples Therapy Work? appeared first on Modern MFT.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” -James Baldwin

Dating With Intention Begins With You…

In his beautiful book, Deeper Dating, Ken Page discusses the importance of creating safety and respect in your relationships. The first few chapters are dedicated to helping you recognize and truly believe in your “core gifts,” which Page describes as the deepest and most sensitive parts of you.

Page believes that once you have developed a genuine appreciation for your gifts, you are in a good position to begin dating with a deeper intention and are more likely to find greater fulfillment in your relationships.

He asks important questions such as: how can you enter the dating world—which is often far from safe and kind—and still protect your vulnerability? How do you lead with your authentic qualities in ways that draw the right people to you?

Let’s take a closer look at his Seven Skills of Deeper Dating:

Be kind, generous, and thoughtful

These qualities tend to be underrated in the dating world, but new research has shown the importance of kindness and generosity when it comes to satisfying intimate relationships.

If your goal is to cultivate a giving, loving, and reciprocal connection, then it’s important to demonstrate kindness. If your date cares about these qualities and has worked on cultivating them, you’ll have started things off in the best possible way.

Kindness helps to unite couples over the long term. Research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and supported. There’s also evidence that shows the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of positive feelings and generosity in a relationship.

If you like someone, let it show

We’re often taught to play it cool or that it’s not such a good idea to be too forthright when it comes to sharing how you feel about someone in the early stages of dating. “Play hard to get” or “don’t seem too interested” are phrases that are commonly thought of to help navigate the uncertainty of the dating scene. Research shows that letting someone know you like them is one of the strongest ways to turn a date into something more serious. Showing interest, takes confidence and self-acceptance.

Page also points out that it’s important to temper your displays of affection with an awareness that many people are cautious or even frightened in the early stages of dating so it’s a good idea to check in with yourself and read your date’s cues before sharing an expression of warmth or affection.

Focus on the quality of your connection

When we are on a date, it can be easy to focus on how we think we are being perceived or if the person measures up to our set of standards when it comes to what we want in a partner, etc.

When we are so busy evaluating every move or sentence, we are likely not focusing on the quality of the connection. Instead of evaluating endlessly, try taking a moment to check in with yourself about how you feel in the presence of the other person.

Ask yourself:

Am I working hard to impress?

Does the connection feels relatively “easy” and pleasant?

The next time you’re on a date and have a moment to yourself, try the following exercise to check in with your intuition:

See if you can get into a gut level sense of the quality of connection with your date. Take a break from the wearying stream of assessment: Does he like me? Do I like her? Instead, notice what you’re actually feeling with the person.

Of course you’re probably feeling nervous, but in addition to that, do you feel pleasure? Do you feel warmth? Is there a sense of fun? Do you feel inspired? Unsafe? Criticized? Our minds tick off our checklist of what constitutes a catch while our hearts may be sensing something altogether different. Rest with the feeling of your actual connection. This will help guide you to your next steps with the person you are with.

*Exercise featured in Deeper Dating by Ken Page

Practice bravery

Relationships are always risky in that there are no guarantees. Bravery in the context of dating is an important skill to improve because the more you can put yourself out there, the greater the likelihood that you’ll connect with others in meaningful ways.

Strengthening our capacity to be brave in relationships is similar to strengthening a muscle. The more we can tolerate the discomfort of acting on what we want, the easier it becomes. By showing our interest, we’re giving the other person a compliment, and how that person responds will provide us with important information about who she is. Taking small, brave steps will help you to build your tolerance for the emotional risks involved in dating and the beginning stages of a relationship.

Discover the art of squinting

Squinting helps to take in the essence of a person and not get stuck on small external imperfections.

When we practice viewing a person in their wholeness and complexity and evaluate attraction from a more big picture perspective, we are better able to determine if this person will be a more lasting fit for us.

Was your date particularly present with you while you told a story?

Perhaps you really enjoyed how he interacted with the staff at the coffee shop. It’s easy to focus on the externals and miss important internal qualities.

Share what you’re passionate about & ask the same of your date

When you speak about what makes you feel excited and you’re genuinely enthusiastic, the right person will appreciate this. Page points out that the wrong person may not appreciate what you’re passionate about and that’s very good to know. Be sure to ask the same from your date. Notice what makes her glow and ask her more about it.

Become fiercely discriminating about what matters most

When you’re dating to meet a long-term partner, spend some time thinking about your “check boxes” in the context of your values.

Here are a few questions to help guide you:

What feels most important to you in life and why?

How do you enjoy spending your free time?

Do you have the space and time to nurture a meaningful relationship?

If not, what might you want to change?

What are your priorities and how do you imagine they might evolve over time?

Exploring some of these areas can help you get a better handle on what’s really important to you when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship.

The post Annoyed With the Dating Scene? Check in About Your Priorities… appeared first on Modern MFT.

Doing the work…

Working through unproductive interactional patterns, issues of trust, and navigating the overall complex emotional landscape of relationships is not easy.

If we haven’t really been shown how to engage in conflict–in a productive way–and trust that we’ll be heard and supported, how can we expect to be able to do that well in our adult relationships? If we haven’t been made to feel that what we share matters, how can we learn to depend on others for emotional support?

Our ability to trust others is influenced by many factors including our attachment style, our experiences in our family-of-origin, and our past relationships.

How do you emotionally show up or not show up for others?
What tends to cause you anxiety/worry in your relationships?
Do you struggle to be honest with someone even though you may disappoint them?
How do you experience jealousy or anger?
What is it like to let someone in on something that causes you to feel shame?

Understanding interactional patterns…

In a significant relationship, it can be scary to feel that no matter what you seem to try, you just don’t feel truly heard or seen.

When we are in this place of not feeling understood, we might resort to patterns of withdrawal or avoidance, or we might feel intensely anxious and try to get our needs met by making large demands or criticizing the other person.

In exploring these patterns, here are a few personal questions to consider:

How was conflict handled while growing up?

Example might be: people didn’t really talk about problems (there was a lot of distance) or perhaps there were frequent fights/yelling. Perhaps it was required that you put on a happy face even if underneath you were deeply unhappy?

What were some of the unspoken rules present in your family-of-origin?

An example might be: you don’t tell person ‘b’ something directly–instead you talk to person ‘a’ and person ‘a’ will communicate to person ‘b’ for you. Or, perhaps there were specific rules about how each member functioned that were informed by gender, culture, race, or ethnicity?

What were some of the major themes in your family-of-origin?

Notice if there are a few areas you’d like to improve…

Trusting self and others…

When we let someone in and begin to build trust, we allow ourselves to be seen–intimately–and to be known. It’s not always easy. Sometimes, due to being hurt in the past, it’s difficult to truly trust someone again. Perhaps there was dishonesty or mistreatment of some sort along the way, and so it’s hard to be vulnerable.

As humans, we are all capable of hurting others and being hurt. In exploring some of our personal themes and narratives, we can begin to identify the areas in need of healing and attention so that we can show up more fully in our relationships.

This beautiful talk explores how enhancing our ability to be vulnerable helps us to have better relationships and be more present with difficult emotions. 

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

The post The Power of Vulnerability appeared first on Modern MFT.