While browsing a local museum shop a while back (so much love for museum shops!), this nature-inspired pottery caught my eye. While I loved the colors and craftsmanship, I was most struck by the description of the artist…

The description mentioned where the artist ‘takes classes.’ This took me by surprise since I would have expected it to read where she might teach classes instead of where she is a student…I got to thinking about the value of maintaining a beginner’s mind as we move through life…

The value of a beginner’s mind…

There are so many “firsts” in life. The first time you go on a date, the first time you start to date someone seriously, the first time you experience heartbreak, a new job, a new city, a new position, a new life experience such as becoming a parent. All of these “firsts” naturally involve A LOT of not knowing — and not knowing can be difficult, scary, and highly unpleasant.

In an attempt to control the discomfort, we may become defensive or agitated or frustrated throughout the process. Or, we might shut people out because we can’t tolerate the idea that perhaps we might look a little sloppy while we are learning…

‘New’ implies there is a neediness, and needy can be a difficult emotion to navigate.

But perhaps there is value in shifting the perspective.

Michelangelo’s famous last words “I am still learning” or “ancora imparo” in Italian are wise and powerful because they remind us that even a master can admit they don’t know it all, that they are still being influenced by new information; new relationships. Relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman found that being open to influence is essential in satisfying intimate relationships. And in order to be open, we must first accept that we don’t know it all.

Why do we resist?

People can have a complicated relationship to being new at something because it naturally implies that things will “be out of sorts” for a time — messy; uncomfortable; unpredictable and usually frustrating. We might lack confidence and feel uncertain and struggle with the experience of lacking proficiency. This can be very challenging for some of us as it might be difficult to tolerate feelings of uncertainty or vulnerability.

However, as hard as it might be, there is beauty in being a beginner. There are many important relationship lessons to learn from the experience of being new at something…

It’s human nature to want things to make sense and to fit. Being new at something challenges all of that! We might want to make something concrete when in fact, it just isn’t –  it’s more abstract, and it requires us to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty while we grow to understand it further. Or, it challenges us to tolerate the discomfort of personal struggle. I see this a lot in my work with new parents. It can be incredibly challenging to adjust to a new identity where so much is unknown. There is so much that is expected of you while simultaneously, you are charged with learning as you go. It’s overwhelming!

What’s it like to admit you don’t know something?

What’s it like to sit with your unique learning process when you are new?

What’s it’s like to remain curious with someone you’ve known for years?

This can be challenging for all of us!

It might feel extremely uncomfortable – incredibly vulnerable even, you might even perceive it to be unacceptable. Sometimes, certainty and being 100% sure is what’s encouraged/called for; it might go against the culture in which you’re immersed (think being a surgeon for example). Perhaps it’s difficult to admit when you’re wrong or when you’ve made a mistake because mistakes are viewed as unacceptable. This might be part of our conditioning too – depending on our experiences in our family of origin.

What we can learn from being a beginner…

There was a time even the most experienced among us were once new at our craft—feeling scared, incompetent, uncertain, and afraid. But things are always changing. “No feeling is final” -Rainer Maria Rilke

In practicing having needs, we get to be vulnerable and we can seek out and receive comfort, help, and support. As a beginner, we get to practice important relationship skills like asking for help, articulating our needs, the experience of being vulnerable; we get to work on the art of receiving and leaning on others.

To practice being okay with not knowing is to practice being open and vulnerable. These are critical skills in communication and in relationships because they allow us to practice being present and honoring where we are at — wherever that may be.

Here are a few valuable lessons that can come from being a beginner and why they can produce important results:

Learning how to receive…

Cultivating a healthy sense of entitlement is so important! We need to allow ourselves the beautiful gift of receiving. This can be a vulnerable experience for many of us because it requires that we allow someone in to play a role in our lives. If we pride ourselves on being independent and self-sufficient, this can feel especially out of our comfort zone. Receiving can be tricky. It’s an acknowledgement that we have needs and desires. Learning how to receive and prioritize pleasure in your life is essential for satisfaction in intimate relationships. Many folks struggle with this and it is worthwhile to explore what is keeping you stuck or preventing you from seeking out or allowing yourself ‘to receive’ more often in your relationships.

Asking for help

Similar to learning how to receive, asking for help can be a challenge too. It implies we don’t have it all together and that we need others. When we ask for help, we are allowing someone to be there for us. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness. No one knows it all, and no one knows you better than you know yourself.

In order to connect with others in an authentic way, we need to know where we tend to get stuck. If we came from a background where it wasn’t safe to ask for help or we felt rejected by our caregivers, we might never have learned to reach out and make our needs known. This can lead to an internal sense of loneliness. It can be a struggle to unlearn this; to allow yourself to shift perspective and try something new.  Asking for help requires that we identify and articulate our needs. In relationship, this is necessary when it comes to experiencing intimacy and connection. 

Understanding vulnerability

Vulnerabilities are important to understand because they can get in the way of cultivating genuine connection. Getting to know and understand your unique vulnerabilities requires self-examination. Sharing yourself authentically with others and allowing others to do the same with you is the foundation for building intimacy.

Vulnerabilities can form as a result of many life experiences including traumatic events, chronic patterns in our families of origin, painful experiences in prior love relationships, poverty, stigma, oppression, illness, physical limitation, and disparities of power imbalances between partners.

When we are new at something, we might feel especially vulnerable because we are more likely in a position of relying on others for help. In intimate relationships, ‘helping’ can be a way to show love and it can be difficult to do at times because it means admitting that we don’t have all the answers or that we we need others.

“Whenever we love we must deal with feelings of vulnerability and risk in relation to the loved person. We must grapple with the possibility that our hearts can be broken and that we can lose the loved person to betrayal, rejection, divorce, or death. Ultimately we do not have control over their feelings and actions. At the same time, on a daily basis, we must trust that the beloved will be there for us. In order to sustain a relationship over time, we must handle these existential contradictions of adult love by managing our fears and vulnerabilities in ways that are not detrimental to the relationship.” -Michele Scheinkman, The Family Process

The chance to practice self-compassion (when it counts the most)

Self-compassion helps us to navigate the rough terrain with kind attention and care. In deepening our empathy for ourselves and our own experience of being human, we learn important lessons that can help us to have empathy for others too. This is an essential skill in relationships. Self-compassion helps to promote personal growth. We can learn to say: “that was tough, and I didn’t have all the answers, but I made it through; I am a resilient person.” Or, “I understand myself differently as a result of that experience; it taught me more about what I actually want.”

Why self-compassion can be a challenge?

If we grew up in an environment where it was best to suppress our true feelings in order to survive, we may have learned to be harsh with ourselves to get through difficult times. Self-compassion might not have been seen as valuable or important and so we never learned to practice it. You can improve self-compassion with practice. You can start by noticing when you say harsh things to self and then work to shift the statements to a more empathic view. This can help you to grow stronger because you are allowing yourself the space to be imperfect with kindness. This is what all children need to feel in order to be encouraged and to develop strong self-belief. However, we often have some inner child healing work to do in order to get better at offering it to ourselves.

Being new is something to celebrate not avoid!

While the feeling of not knowing or being inexperienced is uncomfortable, it is necessary for our personal growth and can teach us important relationship skills. Deepening our sense of self-compassion as we learn can help us experience greater intimacy in our lives.

The post What’s Your Relationship to Being a Beginner? appeared first on Modern MFT.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” -James Baldwin

Dating With Intention Begins With You…

In his beautiful book, Deeper Dating, Ken Page discusses the importance of creating safety and respect in your relationships. The first few chapters are dedicated to helping you recognize and truly believe in your “core gifts,” which Page describes as the deepest and most sensitive parts of you.

Page believes that once you have developed a genuine appreciation for your gifts, you are in a good position to begin dating with a deeper intention and are more likely to find greater fulfillment in your relationships.

He asks important questions such as: how can you enter the dating world—which is often far from safe and kind—and still protect your vulnerability? How do you lead with your authentic qualities in ways that draw the right people to you?

Let’s take a closer look at his Seven Skills of Deeper Dating:

Be kind, generous, and thoughtful

These qualities tend to be underrated in the dating world, but new research has shown the importance of kindness and generosity when it comes to satisfying intimate relationships.

If your goal is to cultivate a giving, loving, and reciprocal connection, then it’s important to demonstrate kindness. If your date cares about these qualities and has worked on cultivating them, you’ll have started things off in the best possible way.

Kindness helps to unite couples over the long term. Research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and supported. There’s also evidence that shows the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of positive feelings and generosity in a relationship.

If you like someone, let it show

We’re often taught to play it cool or that it’s not such a good idea to be too forthright when it comes to sharing how you feel about someone in the early stages of dating. “Play hard to get” or “don’t seem too interested” are phrases that are commonly thought of to help navigate the uncertainty of the dating scene. Research shows that letting someone know you like them is one of the strongest ways to turn a date into something more serious. Showing interest, takes confidence and self-acceptance.

Page also points out that it’s important to temper your displays of affection with an awareness that many people are cautious or even frightened in the early stages of dating so it’s a good idea to check in with yourself and read your date’s cues before sharing an expression of warmth or affection.

Focus on the quality of your connection

When we are on a date, it can be easy to focus on how we think we are being perceived or if the person measures up to our set of standards when it comes to what we want in a partner, etc.

When we are so busy evaluating every move or sentence, we are likely not focusing on the quality of the connection. Instead of evaluating endlessly, try taking a moment to check in with yourself about how you feel in the presence of the other person.

Ask yourself:

Am I working hard to impress?

Does the connection feels relatively “easy” and pleasant?

The next time you’re on a date and have a moment to yourself, try the following exercise to check in with your intuition:

See if you can get into a gut level sense of the quality of connection with your date. Take a break from the wearying stream of assessment: Does he like me? Do I like her? Instead, notice what you’re actually feeling with the person.

Of course you’re probably feeling nervous, but in addition to that, do you feel pleasure? Do you feel warmth? Is there a sense of fun? Do you feel inspired? Unsafe? Criticized? Our minds tick off our checklist of what constitutes a catch while our hearts may be sensing something altogether different. Rest with the feeling of your actual connection. This will help guide you to your next steps with the person you are with.

*Exercise featured in Deeper Dating by Ken Page

Practice bravery

Relationships are always risky in that there are no guarantees. Bravery in the context of dating is an important skill to improve because the more you can put yourself out there, the greater the likelihood that you’ll connect with others in meaningful ways.

Strengthening our capacity to be brave in relationships is similar to strengthening a muscle. The more we can tolerate the discomfort of acting on what we want, the easier it becomes. By showing our interest, we’re giving the other person a compliment, and how that person responds will provide us with important information about who she is. Taking small, brave steps will help you to build your tolerance for the emotional risks involved in dating and the beginning stages of a relationship.

Discover the art of squinting

Squinting helps to take in the essence of a person and not get stuck on small external imperfections.

When we practice viewing a person in their wholeness and complexity and evaluate attraction from a more big picture perspective, we are better able to determine if this person will be a more lasting fit for us.

Was your date particularly present with you while you told a story?

Perhaps you really enjoyed how he interacted with the staff at the coffee shop. It’s easy to focus on the externals and miss important internal qualities.

Share what you’re passionate about & ask the same of your date

When you speak about what makes you feel excited and you’re genuinely enthusiastic, the right person will appreciate this. Page points out that the wrong person may not appreciate what you’re passionate about and that’s very good to know. Be sure to ask the same from your date. Notice what makes her glow and ask her more about it.

Become fiercely discriminating about what matters most

When you’re dating to meet a long-term partner, spend some time thinking about your “check boxes” in the context of your values.

Here are a few questions to help guide you:

What feels most important to you in life and why?

How do you enjoy spending your free time?

Do you have the space and time to nurture a meaningful relationship?

If not, what might you want to change?

What are your priorities and how do you imagine they might evolve over time?

Exploring some of these areas can help you get a better handle on what’s really important to you when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship.

The post Annoyed With the Dating Scene? Check in About Your Priorities… appeared first on Modern MFT.

What is usually an exciting and memorable time can also be fraught with difficulties such as navigating the need to keep a feeling of independence while also maintaining a sense of togetherness.

It can be comforting and anxiety-provoking all at the same time!

Perhaps you’ve been adjusting fairly well. Or perhaps you’ve noticed there’s been an increase in arguments or emotional distance and you just can’t seem to make much progress together.

Here are a four suggestions to help you navigate this transition more easily:

Preserve Your Own “Space” In the Relationship

‘Space’ can apply to both the literal and figurative. In places like NYC, where literal space tends to be limited, you may have to tap into the figurative meaning to make this one happen.

While you might be thoroughly enjoying the cozy nights in–catching up on Netflix, cooking together, hanging out, etc.–taking the time to make plans that nurture your own separate sense of identity is a great way to keep your relationship healthy and vibrant.

When partners have separate outside interests, it often has a wonderful effect on the relationship. Focusing on your friends, your community, your career, a special hobby/ interest, or just trying something new are all great ways to nurture and develop yourself. You contribute to creating a positive and attractive atmosphere for your relationship to function at its best when you are busy living life and not hyper-focused on your partner.

Your relationship is no different from any other living, breathing organism—it needs the right conditions in order to thrive!

Practice Navigating Conflict Together

Sometimes it’s easy to get into this mindset of “We shouldn’t be fighting so much, we just started dating” or, “Is this normal? Do other couples fight like this?” Pay attention to how you treat each other during a conflict and how you handle repairing the relationship afterwards.

When two people get together there will inevitably be differences in how you handle conflict and the way you approach situations. Think for a minute about your comfort zone:

• What do you tend to do when you feel triggered by something someone said or did?
• Do you notice that you tend to go inward or outward?
• Do you tend to want to discuss it right then and there, or do you prefer to withdraw and distance yourself from that person?

Exploring your own tendencies when it comes to relationship stress is a great way to make some positive shifts.

Discuss Your Values as a Couple

When you have found a partner that you’d like to “stay still” and build a future with, talking about values and what you believe to be important in life can help you develop a strong foundation.

Perhaps you’ll discover that your values align quite well or you’ll learn the small areas in which your values differ. Talking about values is important because it helps you understand more deeply your partner’s inner world and what the other person is motivated by.

• Does family play an important role?
• Are her friendships intensely important to her?
• Do his hobbies provide a deep sense of peace that he is not willing to live without them?

Exploring what these values mean for your relationship in terms of compromise can help you and your partner to feel understood and respected in your relationship.

Talk About the Finances

Whatever arrangement you decide on, it’s important to begin building financial intimacy as a couple. Talking about finances is often very difficult for many couples since it involves exploring personal philosophies about spending, saving, and earning. It’s natural to feel a little anxiety as well as the desire to avoid it. If left unaddressed, financial differences could begin to dominate the atmosphere of your relationship.

It’s important to remember that financial intimacy will require a series of conversations over time. This is not something that gets solved by one or two small conversations. Getting on the same page with the finances will help you function better as a couple.  Start by addressing some of the early messages you received about spending and saving.

• What do you truly value in life and why?
• What do you like spending money on?
• As you reflect on your current spending, does it make you feel happy or disappointed in some way?
• When it comes to spending and saving, what vision do you have for your relationship?
• Are there significant differences in how you and your partner relate to money?  (For example, one person may have a lot of savings while another has some debt–how does this affect your dynamics? Or you have a “rags to riches” background that deeply informs how you relate to finances and the world at large?)

These insights are “grist for the mill” to help you get to know and understand your partner’s perspective more deeply.

Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate the uncharted territory of  sharing a space and new responsibilities together.

As you’re talking about these areas, you may notice that there are topics you want to hear more about and understand a little better. That’s a great thing! Stay curious, you are learning about yourself and the other while simultaneously building on a shared future together.

The post Moving in Together (Made Easier!) appeared first on Modern MFT.

As a member of the Women’s Mental Health Consortium here in NYC, I frequently attend lectures and trainings aimed at helping therapists to enhance their skills and stay up-to-date on best practices.

What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?

At the most recent training, we learned about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidenced-based model designed to help people attain greater fulfillment by accepting their struggles and committing to daily action. One idea that really stuck with me was this notion that “happiness is temporary”.

The training was unique in that there was a strong emphasis on a non-pathologizing view of mental health and a focus on accepting that human suffering is an inevitable part of life. The training also challenged the concept of normalcy and offered a more meaning-driven definition of health and wellness.

In a culture where we are often encouraged to suppress the bad parts or made to feel that our next purchase will be just the thing to finally make us happy– that once we get that promotion, that partner, that home, that…whatever we’ll finally be really happy—the tenets of ACT felt like a radical shift.

Philosophy Behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

The foundational goal of ACT is to help clients acknowledge and accept struggle in their lives AND make life-enhancing choices.

In a powerful demonstration, the trainer and a volunteer therapist (who shared her own personal struggle with anxiety) used a scarf to represent the relationship between her and her struggle while the trainer represented her actual anxiety. The trainer informed us that the ground in between them was a deep dark hole.

As they pulled the scarf in opposite directions, we observed the therapist’s problematic interaction with her anxiety. The trainer helped us understand that it isn’t about trying to change the fact that the anxiety exists or even how to get rid of it, but that she could feel the anxiety and still take steps toward a better future. She could notice that the anxiety is present, but not give it so much power in her daily life. Instead she could acknowledge that it’s there and choose to move in the direction of her values.

We all worry. You could experience worry about an upcoming presentation for example– Instead of focusing on the worry itself, focus solely on the value the talk will provide for your audience.

Act from an empowered stance and notice the importance and uniqueness of you. Exploring and identifying values is foundational in ACT. Uncovering what you truly value can help you move in a more positive direction and create deeper meaning in your life.

The post Acceptance and Commitment Therapy appeared first on Modern MFT.

We often hear the phrase, “You’ve got to believe in yourself,” but what does that really mean? If you asked ten people what the phrase means to them, you’d probably get ten different responses.

While I love the pleasant and hopeful idea of this phrase, it doesn’t address how to get to the point where you genuinely believe in yourself as you strive for something important to you.

Truly believing in yourself is often a journey. It can that sometimes feels like an uphill battle depending on your personal situation, the experiences that have shaped your outlook on life, and your perceptions of yourself.

Belief+Action= Results

We tend to make conclusions about others based on their outward achievements but often aren’t aware of the series of failures and missteps along the way that they endured while moving toward their desired outcome.

Sometimes, it’s just tough to maintain a positive perspective. Believing in yourself requires you to cultivate the ongoing action steps toward a particular outcome. It’s a congruence so-to-speak, between what you desire and the energy you’re willing to put in.

There are inevitable setbacks along the way too and it can be a challenge to maintain your focus. The process often demands that we fully engage in understanding ourselves more deeply (exploring the ‘why’ of our desired outcome) and maintaining momentum even when we feel like giving up.

In his heartfelt motivational speech to his son, Rocky talks about the importance of moving forward in life despite the inevitable setbacks and challenges along the way. “It ain’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.” Progress is a process that requires consistent engagement.

The post What Does it Really Mean to Believe in Yourself? appeared first on Modern MFT.