Hope Archives | Modern MFT

Feeling Disappointed in Relationship? Read this ⬇️

Jennifer Uhrlass — Wed, 14 May 2025 18:00:00 +0000

When the Qualities You Loved Become the Ones That Frustrate You

There are certain qualities that naturally draw us to a romantic partner—traits that excite us, inspire us, and make us feel connected. But sometimes, those very same qualities that once felt so magnetic can later become a source of tension. For example, you might be drawn to someone’s ambition—their drive, their passion, the way they chase after their goals. But as time goes on, that ambition might start to feel like a wall between you, morphing into long work hours, missed plans, and a sense that quality time isn’t a priority.

This doesn’t mean the person is flawed or that you made a mistake in choosing them. The truth is, every one of us is made up of qualities that both attract and challenge others. No one will be perfectly aligned with us in every way, and part of being in a relationship means developing a tolerance for the full spectrum of who someone is. It’s about making space—not just for the moments where everything feels easy, but also for the times when differences arise.

Learning to Navigate Disappointment Can Promote Growth

People will disappoint us. It’s part of being close. Real connection—especially lasting love—comes with risk. Hurt will happen. But pain doesn’t mean failure. It means we care. We’re alive. And love, like anything meaningful, comes with vulnerability.

That doesn’t mean tolerating everything or abandoning your boundaries. It means recognizing that, just like we want to be accepted in full, our partners do too. When we create space for imperfection, we build trust. We grow our capacity to love with flexibility, strength, and grace.

Making Space for Imperfection in Relationships

Disappointment in relationships can feel jarring—especially in your 30s and 40s, when you’re craving stability, depth, and emotional safety. Whether you’re with a longtime partner or in something new, the gap between what you imagined and what’s happening can feel wide. How you respond to that gap matters. It can either bring you closer—or push you apart.

One powerful shift? Let others get it wrong sometimes. Without withdrawing love. Without assuming the worst. Without trying to reshape them. Stay curious. Stay kind. Let go of the urge to make others match your comfort zone.

This isn’t about ignoring your needs. It’s about softening rigid expectations. It’s about allowing missteps without making them mean more than they do. Real connection grows in that space. It’s where empathy, growth, and resilience live.

Need Help Reconnecting? Try a Relational Tune-Up

Feeling stuck in the same arguments or emotional patterns? You’re not alone. A relational tune-up can help. These short-term, accelerated therapy sessions offer focused support when you need it most. They’re ideal if you’re ready for change—but don’t want to spend months waiting.

With thoughtful, high-impact care, you can explore stuck dynamics, strengthen communication, and reconnect emotionally—with clarity and compassion.

Because sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is make space—for growth, for grace, and for each other.

The post Feeling Disappointed in Relationship? Read this ⬇️ appeared first on Modern MFT.

Exploring Your Personal Relationship To Nature…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Tue, 03 Mar 2020 21:35:31 +0000

You should sit in nature for 20 minutes a day…unless you’re busy, then you should sit for an hour – Zen saying

Our relationship to nature can be a complex one. Exploring more deeply our personal experiences and what constitutes quality time in nature can help us to be more intentional when it comes to prioritizing our mental health and wellness.

Many of us might feel stuck at a desk for most of the day and struggle to prioritize an adequate amount of time in nature. It’s important to consider not only how much time you spend in nature but also the quality of that time. Recent studies demonstrate that regular, meaningful contact with nature is correlated with greater mental and physical health, just as minimal or no contact with nature is associated with symptoms such as depression, anxiety, a sense of malaise, feelings of emptiness, attention problems, poor sleep, obesity, heart disease, and hypertension (Barton & Pretty, 2010; Martyn & Brymer, 2016; Weng & Chiang, 2014).

At the American Family Therapy Academy’s national conference a few years back, I heard a wonderful and thought-provoking talk about taking an eco-informed approach to therapy which left a major impression on me.

The presenter, Dr. Tracey Laszloffy, emphasized the importance of helping clients to not only take inventory of how much time they spend in nature, but also helping them to assess the quality of their time in nature. So for example, if we are “in nature” but glued to our phone the entire time, are we truly experiencing the many benefits of nature?

In modern times, it is not unusual for many of us to be without much time in nature for weeks or even months at a time.

In a newly published article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Dr. Lazsloffy and her colleague Dr. Davis share:

Our hope is to invite a consideration of the role of nature in one’s life (and vice‐versa), prompt a sincere reflection on one’s values about nature, and commit to assessing for and encouraging regular involvement with nature should clients so desire. (Lazsloffy & Davis, 2019)

Although the journal article is geared specifically toward mental health professionals, these insightful questions can help anyone to take a closer look at their relationship to nature and begin to explore it further:

What kind of interactions did you have with nature as a child?
How did you play or not play outdoors?
How much or how little did your parents engage with you in outdoor activities?
What thoughts and feelings did you have about nature as a child?
What thoughts and feelings do you currently have about nature?
How would you describe your relationship with nature?
What, if any, value does nature have to you?
How much time do you currently spend outdoors each week?
Is this amount of time acceptable to you? Does it meet your needs? If not, what prevents you from having more time?
What effect does interacting with/spending time in nature have on you?
Where are your favorite outdoor places and spaces? Why?
What are your most feared or disliked natural places/spaces? Why?
To what extent are you able to derive comfort and healing from the natural world?

As indigenous communities have long understood, and as a growing body of research is beginning to demonstrate, an essential component of health and wellness involves having regular, meaningful contact with nature. (Besthorn, Wulff, & St. George, 2010; Louv, 2011; Pretty, 2004; Weng & Chiang, 2014).

Given the commitment that family therapists have to contextualizing our understanding of human experience, it only makes sense that we would include the ecological context in our consideration. (Laszloffy & Davis 2019)

If you’d like to increase quality time spent in nature, what are some of your obstacles? What’s one step you can take this week to help you move closer to your wish?

References:

Besthorn, F. H., Wulff, D., & St. George, S.(2010). Eco‐spiritual helping and postmodern therapy: A deeper ecological framework. Ecopsychology, 2(1), 23–32.

Louv, R. (2011). The nature principle: Human restoration and the end of nature‐deficit disorder. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books.

Pretty, J. (2004). How nature contributes to mental and physical health. Spirituality and Health International, 5, 68–78.

Weng, P., & Chiang, Y. (2014). Psychological restoration through indoor and outdoor leisure activities. Journal of Leisure Research, 46(2), 203–217.

Barton, J., & Pretty, J. (2010). What is the best dose of nature and green exercise for improving mental health? A multi‐study analysis. Environmental Science and Technology, 44(10), 3947–3955.

Martyn, P., & Brymer, E. (2016). The relationship between nature relatedness and anxiety. Journal of Health Psychology, 21, 1436–1445.

Laszloffy, T. A., & Davis, S. D. (2019). Nurturing nature: Exploring ecological self-of-the-therapist issues. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(1), pp. 176-185.

For more information on this topic, you can check out the following resources:

Videos

A playlist of TED talks focusing on reconnecting with nature: https://www.ted.com/playlists/398/reconnect_with_nature

Podcasts

http://www.npr.org/2013/09/27/216098121/everything-is-connected

The post Exploring Your Personal Relationship To Nature… appeared first on Modern MFT.

Vulnerability Takes Courage…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Thu, 20 Jun 2019 16:50:49 +0000

Part of what I love about being a therapist is the ability to explore in great depth the human condition in all its complexity. I am often struck by my clients’ courage and willingness to grow and achieve a deeper level of connection with themselves and in their intimate relationships.

“Being vulnerable can be difficult because most of us have past experiences where we asked for attention or otherwise signaled our needs and were either ignored, dismissed, criticized, or punished in some way. Whatever the origin, many adults have trouble feeling and expressing core needs and vulnerable feelings.” -John Grey and Susan M. Campbell

All too often, core needs are expressed in unhelpful ways that begin with statements such as: “you always…” or “you never…” this can sound blaming and accusatory to a partner who also has a valid experience in the relationship and their own take on what it’s like to express their core needs. Often when the need is expressed from a place of vulnerability, the reaction is much different. It is sometimes difficult to remember that YOU matter SO much. The way you think about yourself and engage with others–in intimate relationships or friendships, with colleagues, etc.–how you show up influences how others also respond to you.

Understanding Your Personal History…

By exploring how your needs were met or not met as a child, you can gain important insight into your present behavior patterns and interpersonal interactions. In developing a deeper understanding of what might get in the way of expressing your needs effectively as an adult, it may become clear that you are not very aware of your needs in general or that you tend to disregard your own needs easily.

This may come as a result of being conditioned to think of your needs as less important than others or being treated in a way that did not respect your individual needs. It can take time to come to terms with our own value and truly believe that we matter and our responses to others have a significant impact.

Shame

If we grew up in an environment that made us feel shame or didn’t allow us to express how we felt or to be responded to with love and respect, it can be incredibly difficult to believe in our own self-worth. If feedback was shared with an angry, critical tone, it can be difficult to take in the meaning of the message and then respond from a more authentic place. In general, we may have felt dismissed, disregarded, or like another person’s feelings mattered more than our own. There are also many cultural factors too, which can have a significant influence on how we perceive what is considered “caring” or “helpful”. If left unexplored, this belief pattern can get passed down to future generations without an understanding of its impact. Exploring these patterns can help us to understand our personal blocks to vulnerability and connection so that we can engage more meaningfully with others.

Context

Whether as a participating member in one of my monthly peer consultation groups or as a careful listener in the therapy room with my clients, I have the wonderful opportunity to bare witness to the unique strength, courage, and vulnerability of the human experience.

The questions I encounter often do not have black and white answers or clear right and wrong understandings, but rather nuanced accounts based on meaning made from personal experiences. So much of the work lies in creating a path forward that illuminates personal understanding while also creating a more coherent narrative out of what has occurred and honoring a client’s unique process.

The Process of Healing…

Being a systems therapist, I am always looking at context and personal meaning. When an individual comes in struggling with anxiety or relationship concerns, or feeling uncertain about an important decision, the first step is often to understand the meaning of their present experience and how it informs their behaviors and way of relating to themselves or others.

In helping my clients, it is through our work together and the trust placed in the process, that we are able to explore together the critical parts of the story that need deeper understanding.

To delve deeper into the concept of being vulnerable and how it can help to deepen relationship satisfaction, check out Brené Brown’s video below to see her powerful TED talk on the topic:

The Power of Vulnerability…

The post Vulnerability Takes Courage… appeared first on Modern MFT.

Healing After A Painful Breakup…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Thu, 07 Mar 2019 20:05:37 +0000

“We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences.” – Virginia Satir

While breakups can be devastating, they can also offer tremendous growth. If we allow ourselves the chance to experience our full range of emotions, we can often gain valuable insights from the process of healing from a breakup.

When we’re in pain, it’s normal to want to move through it as quickly as possible and create distance from the source of the struggle. However, when we lean into the discomfort, we allow ourselves the incredibly valuable experience of learning about ourselves and healing the hurt.

While it can be difficult, it can also be liberating in the end. When working with individuals who have just experienced a difficult breakup– whether as a result of divorce or ending a long-term relationship, healing from emotional pain is similar to healing a bodily wound– in order for it to no longer cause pain, the wound needs to heal properly.

Sure, it’s tempting to throw a bandaid on it and go about your normal routine, but unless you take the time to clean, disinfect, and bandage the wound, it won’t heal. Without proper care it might even become worse or infected requiring even more of an investment in your time and energy than what was originally needed. By allowing yourself the space to figure out what went wrong, “disinfect the wound,” and check in with yourself around the healing process, you can strengthen yourself and move forward in your life with clarity and conviction.

Here are a few considerations to help you move through a painful breakup:

Experiencing pain is a natural part of life and can teach us important lessons about ourselves

Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up for you. Maybe you’re angry, deeply sad, full of regret, maybe you feel some shame about your behaviors. These are all normal but very uncomfortable feelings. To assist you in feeling your way through this tough time, talk with a trusted person in your life. In letting out your feelings, you gain clarity about what’s happened and can start to accept the reality of the situation more fully.

You might even want to take yourself on a date, spend a little time alone journaling, listening to music, or meditating. Notice how you’re feeling throughout the day and check in with yourself. No matter what your feelings about this relationship, this is a time to show some compassion for yourself.

Reflect on what happened

Perhaps one of the areas you struggled with in this particular relationship was your tendency to be possessive or jealous. Were you easily set off? Did you have a tendency to place blame on your partner instead of looking inward? Perhaps the opposite was true, and you felt your partner was unable to show up fully for you in a supportive and nurturing way.

Maybe one or both of you were untrue or unkind and had difficulty with trust. Whatever your pattern(s) of interaction, it’s worth exploring how you personally contributed to the issues of the relationship. When I prepare to work with a couple in my practice, they first complete a rather extensive form designed to help provide me with valuable and necessary information about history but also to orient each person to the process of taking some responsibility for the issues and mutual discontent.

Most often, each person tends to write quite a bit about not only their experience in the relationship, but also about how they may be contributing to the problems. This self-awareness can help you to become more active in cultivating the kind of relationship you’d like to create with others.

Surround yourself with people who value and care about you

When healing from a breakup, you might feel a dramatic shift in your identity. If your identity was wrapped up in being a couple, it might be difficult to experience a strong sense of self on your own. Spending time with people you trust and who care about you is a great way to begin to feel better. Now is the time to focus on you.

If we have been let down or feel deeply betrayed in the breakup, this is especially important. What is it like to get back to you? How do you experience yourself when you are truly in touch with your own needs?

Distract yourself (a little)

Part of healing from a painful life experience such as a breakup involves some distraction. Is there a particular event you’ve been meaning to check out and just haven’t prioritized? Do you want to go to more concerts or cultural events? Spend some quality time with friends?Distraction can be a great way to allow ourselves to disconnect (for a little while) from the stress, anxiety, frustration, or disappointment we might be experiencing while working through a breakup.

Nurture your own personal growth

Right after a breakup is a wonderful time to invest in yourself. Is there an area you’ve been putting off for a while? Perhaps you’ve always wanted to get better at public speaking or baking? Maybe you’ve always wanted to take a dance class or join that organization you’ve been thinking about… Investing in your personal growth and development is a wonderful way to “get back out there” and take charge of your situation.

Volunteer

Use your professional skills to help others in need. If you have special business insights or skills, volunteering can be a great way to help you connect with others while giving back. In serving the community with your unique gifts, you provide a valuable resource to those in need and foster a sense of meaning during a difficult personal time.

With time and a willingness to explore, you can make progress toward healing from a painful breakup. Taking the space to understand the aspects of the relationship that you will miss along with the areas that were not going so well can help you make sense of the breakup and take a more productive stance when it comes to your healing process.

The post Healing After A Painful Breakup… appeared first on Modern MFT.