Self-Esteem Archives | Modern MFT

When Holding It All Together Isn’t Enough: Finding Yourself Again After a Season of Survival

Jennifer Uhrlass — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 22:37:51 +0000

You’ve done everything right.

You’ve kept your head down. You pushed through the hard days. You carried on—showing up for your work, your responsibilities, your relationships—without asking for much. You didn’t fall apart. You made it through.

But now, something in you is whispering: I need more than just surviving this.

That whisper is important. And it’s why you’re here.

Maybe the last year brought unexpected transitions—changes you had no choice but to navigate. Maybe grief or loss shifted your center. Maybe demands mounted and you barely had space to feel any of it. You stayed in motion because you had to. But now that the dust is starting to settle, the truth is surfacing: you’re tired, emotionally heavy, and yearning for a steadier way forward.

And beneath that? You want to come back to yourself. To your joy. To your capacity to feel your life again—not just manage it.

You are not alone.

It’s Okay to Be the One Who Needs Something Now

So many high-functioning, deeply capable women come to therapy at this very juncture—after seasons of doing what had to be done, of being strong, of carrying the emotional load for others.

But now it’s your turn.

Therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. It’s for when you want to stop living like you are. It’s for when you know you’ve been holding your breath for too long. It’s for when you realize that even if you’ve “gotten through it,” you’re still carrying it—inside your body, your nervous system, your sleep, your relationships.

And it’s for when the very tools that helped you survive—work ethic, mental toughness, task-mastery—are now getting in the way of deeper connection, rest, and intimacy.

The Hurt Doesn’t Go Away by Itself

Part of you knows: the hurt doesn’t just fade with time. It morphs. It settles into your daily life. It shows up in irritability, in numbness, in avoidance, in the way you rush through your days without remembering how they even felt.

Left unprocessed, hurt can make your life feel flat—even when good things are happening. It can impact how present you are with your partner. It can mute your desire to be touched or cared for. It can make your body feel like a battlefield instead of a home.

You’re not “broken.” You’re just still healing from things you were too busy surviving to fully feel.

Therapy creates the space for that. For you. Not to wallow—but to metabolize what you’ve been carrying. To clear space for something softer, more connected, more rooted.

You Deserve to Feel Close Again

Even with a loving partner, it might feel hard to slow down, to enjoy intimacy, to feel close.That makes perfect sense. When we’re in survival mode, emotional presence gets replaced by logistics: “What needs to get done?” “What’s the next thing on the list?” Intimacy, spontaneity, and even joy feel like distant luxuries. We become task managers instead of partners. And without meaning to, we begin to drift.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about capacity.

When your system is in overdrive, there’s little left for connection. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt.

In therapy, we’ll work together to:

Understand what you’ve been through—not just intellectually, but emotionally and somatically (in your body), so you can begin to release it.
Reclaim a sense of emotional stability—so your nervous system feels less flooded, and you’re not always waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
Reconnect with your inner world—your desires, longings, and limits—so you can make choices that align with you, not just your to-do list.
Explore your relationship dynamics—why it’s been hard to stay present or intimate, and how to gently move toward more closeness, communication, and softness.
Learn real-time tools to help you slow down, regulate, and come back to yourself in the moments that matter most.

This isn’t about becoming a “better” partner or doing more—it’s about becoming more available to the love, rest, and connection that already wants to meet you.

Stability Doesn’t Come From Hustling Harder

You’re seeking stability—not the false kind that comes from control or doing everything “right,” but the kind that lives inside you. The groundedness that says: I can meet this moment, and I can care for myself in it.

True emotional stability comes from knowing how to listen to your own needs, how to respond to your anxiety with compassion, how to move through discomfort without abandoning yourself or others.

This work is personal. It’s sacred. And it’s yours to do.

You don’t need to wait until you “have more time,” or until things settle even more. The truth is, life may always be a little busy, a little unpredictable. But you can learn to navigate that busyness with more peace, presence, and grace.

Therapy Is Where You Come Back to Yourself

You already have the courage—you’ve made it this far. You’ve handled life. You’ve kept it all afloat. Now, the work is to re-orient. To soften. To begin tending to the inner world you’ve had to ignore for far too long.

This is your invitation to make space for you again—not as an afterthought, but as a priority.

And if you’re ready, therapy can help you:

Feel more emotionally grounded.
Restore joy and connection in your relationship.
Rebuild self-trust and clarity after a period of survival.
Shift out of over-functioning and into balance.
Begin feeling like yourself again—only more empowered, more whole, more present.

It’s time.

Let’s begin.

If you’re ready to explore this next chapter with the support of an experienced, thoughtful therapist, reach out today. You don’t have to hold it all alone anymore.

The post When Holding It All Together Isn’t Enough: Finding Yourself Again After a Season of Survival appeared first on Modern MFT.

Therapy for Adult Sibling Relationships…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Sun, 01 Mar 2026 20:25:00 +0000

Why Adult Sibling Relationships Can Feel So Hard—and How Therapy Can Help

Many adults come to therapy feeling confused about how deeply their sibling relationships still affect them. They may say things like, “We’re adults now—why does this still hurt?” or “I thought I was past this.”

The truth is, sibling relationships are rarely just about the present moment. They are layered with history, roles, expectations, and emotional memories that formed long before we had language or choice.

The Invisible Weight of Family Roles

Growing up, most of us unconsciously adapted to our family system. You might have become the responsible one, the caretaker, the achiever, the mediator, or the one who stayed quiet to keep the peace. These roles often helped the family function—but they also shaped how you learned to see yourself.

In adulthood, these patterns can quietly persist. You may notice yourself feeling small, reactive, guilty, or unseen around siblings—even if you’re confident and capable elsewhere in your life.

Why Adult Transitions Reignite Old Dynamics

Sibling tensions often intensify during major life transitions: caring for aging parents, dividing responsibilities, navigating grief, or becoming parents ourselves. These moments activate early attachment wounds and can make long-standing inequalities or emotional injuries feel impossible to ignore.

Strong emotions—anger, sadness, jealousy, grief—are not signs of immaturity. They are signals that something meaningful was never fully processed.

When Distance Feels Safer Than Closeness

Some adults cope by pulling away from siblings altogether. Others stay involved but feel chronically resentful or depleted. Both responses are understandable adaptations to emotional pain.

Therapy helps you slow down and ask deeper questions:

What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?
How did my role in my family shape my sense of worth?
What am I still hoping for—and is it realistic?
What kind of relationship do I want now?

How Therapy Creates Change

Sibling-focused therapy provides a space to explore these questions without judgment. It helps you understand how family systems shaped your emotional responses and gives you tools to respond differently today.

Over time, therapy can help you:

Reduce emotional reactivity
Set boundaries without overwhelming guilt
Honor grief and anger without shame
Build self-trust and clarity
Decide how much closeness feels healthy

For some, healing means repair and reconnection. For others, it means acceptance and peace. Both are forms of growth.

You’re Allowed to Want More Ease

Struggling with sibling relationships doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re human—and shaped by a system that asked you to adapt early.

With the right support, it’s possible to loosen old patterns and relate from a place of choice rather than obligation.

If sibling dynamics continue to weigh on you, therapy can help you create more space, clarity, and emotional freedom—both within your family and within yourself.

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Returning to Therapy: Finding Steady Ground Amidst Change, Uncertainty, and Hope

Jennifer Uhrlass — Tue, 05 Aug 2025 00:17:53 +0000

Sometimes, life hands us more than one major transition at once. A new medical diagnosis. The emotional complexity of trying to conceive. An ever-present undercurrent of anxiety or uncertainty. And even in the midst of love and support, you can find yourself wondering:

How do I hold all of this? How do I stay grounded?

If you’re here, it’s because something inside you knows: it’s time to return to therapy. Not because you’re falling apart—but because you’re ready to care for yourself in a deeper, more intentional way. You’ve done this work before. You know how powerful it can be. And now, in this new chapter, you’re seeking steady support as you move through it all—gracefully, but not alone.

You Are Carrying A Lot (And That Makes Sense)

Getting a new medical diagnosis can tilt your world off center—even when it’s manageable, even when you’re doing “all the right things.” It can bring up fear, grief, confusion, questions about what the future holds. Layer on the emotional process of trying to conceive—and it’s no wonder that anxiety has been louder lately.

Let’s name what’s true: you’re navigating a swirl of hope and fear, of timelines and what-ifs, of medical appointments and emotional weight. You’re holding space for your body’s changing needs, your emotional waves, and your desire to stay open and connected to your partner in the midst of it all.

Of course this feels overwhelming.

You are doing your best to remain calm and present—but the anxiety? It creeps in. It fills the in-between moments. And when you’re already stretched thin, even small things can feel big.

This isn’t about weakness. This is about being human.

Returning to Therapy Isn’t a Step Back — It’s a Step Inward

Therapy isn’t just something we use when we’re in crisis. It’s a tool for returning to ourselves—especially in seasons where everything feels like it’s shifting.

You’ve been here before. You know the kind of relief and insight it can bring. And now, you’re wiser. You’re more ready than ever to approach therapy with clarity about what you want to get from it: stability, resilience, and a better way to manage the anxious moments that are taking up too much space in your head and heart.

You’re not looking for a magic fix. You’re looking for real tools. Emotional grounding. A space to process what’s happening medically, relationally, physically. You want to stay connected to yourself and your partner. You want to stay open, hopeful—and whole.

That’s what therapy can offer you now.

Your Relationship Is A Strength—and a Priority

Going through major transitions that require intense personal strength can challenge even the strongest relationships. A partner who listens, who shows up, who wants to support you through everything. That foundation matters. And it’s worth nurturing—especially in times of stress and uncertainty. Therapy helps to provide clarity, emotional support, and a space to process personal needs so that the relationship doesn’t suffer.

You may have noticed something important: that while your partner is incredibly supportive, he sometimes holds back what’s going on inside of him. And that matters too.

Wanting to be there for him as much as he’s been there for you is not just generous—it’s wise. Because relationships thrive when both people feel seen, heard, and emotionally supported. Especially during seasons of uncertainty and stress.

Returning to therapy can help you to:

Stay attuned to your own emotional needs without shutting your partner out.
Develop ways of inviting your partner into gentle, open conversations—even about the hard stuff.
Explore how to better listen and emotionally engage with his experience, while not losing yourself in the process.
Keep your connection strong, even as you both navigate the emotional demands of this season.

This is relationship work through the lens of your individual therapy. It’s subtle but powerful—and you’re more than capable of doing it.

Navigating Anxiety in Real Time

The anxious moments you’re feeling now are likely very different from the ones you’ve experienced before. They may come out of nowhere—during a doctor’s visit, in the middle of a workday, late at night when your thoughts are racing. They may be tied to uncertainty about health, fertility, the future. Or they may simply be your body’s way of trying to make sense of all the “unknowns.”

In therapy, we’ll create space for those moments—not to get stuck in them, but to understand what they’re trying to tell you. You’ll learn how to:

Recognize the early signals of anxious overwhelm.
Stay with the feeling, instead of fighting it or running from it.
Use grounding tools and nervous system regulation techniques to return to the present moment.
Understand how your anxiety shows up in your body, your thoughts, and your patterns—and learn how to disrupt that loop with kindness and clarity.

This is work you don’t have to do alone. And you don’t have to wait until it feels unbearable.

You Deserve Support Now, Not Later

You’ve already made it through so much. You’ve shown up. You’ve stayed strong. But now it’s time to also be soft. To be supported. To stop pushing through without pause.

Therapy gives you room to breathe–to feel, to clarify, to plan with peace instead of panic. To slow down without losing momentum. And to reconnect—to yourself, your body, your desires, and your future.

Whether or not this season unfolds the way you hope, you deserve to move through it with steadiness, with dignity, and with the presence of someone in your corner—someone who’s there to hold space just for you.

You’re ready. Let’s begin.

If this feels like your next right step, reach out today. Therapy can be a powerful companion on your path toward more clarity, calm, and connection—even in life’s most uncertain seasons.

The post Returning to Therapy: Finding Steady Ground Amidst Change, Uncertainty, and Hope appeared first on Modern MFT.

How You Talk to Yourself Matters!

Jennifer Uhrlass — Mon, 22 May 2023 19:43:52 +0000

Learning how to validate self is a process.

We often emphasize the importance of validating others and downplay the importance of validating ourselves.

Practicing gentle and positive self-talk encourages our growth.

Praise yourself for doing that hard thing; soothe yourself when you’re hurt or have been mistreated; make different choices in alignment with your goals and values; practice shifting a self-defeating thought to a more self-compassionate and hopeful one.

You can do it!

Tolerating discomfort is a necessary part of life.

I often sit with folks in session as they are engaging in a new chapter of their life. I.e. – starting that new position, breaking out on their own for the first time, becoming a parent for the first time, dealing with that first big falling out as a couple, etc.

“Newness” is emotionally challenging because it is unfamiliar. We often don’t have the skills necessary to be successful and we must develop them. In any relationship, we will inevitably be called to “repot the plant” at some point. Meaning, the root system has outgrown the current pot and it no longer fits. We need to allow for room to grow or the relationship will die. To do this, we must exercise our distress tolerance. Growth is often uncomfortable but necessary. By staying curious and being kind to ourselves, we can give ourselves and our relationships the chance to evolve. Some of us may have a higher tolerance for distress than others and that’s ok. We can get better at this! In addition, research shows that further developing self-compassion has many positive benefits to our health and well-being.

Distress tolerance refers to our ability to tolerate distress and discomfort so we can see ourselves through to the other side of the mountain so-to-speak.

You can take steps to begin improving your distress tolerance by practicing supportive self-talk. For example, perhaps you recently changed careers and have been struggling with some sort of adjustment related to your new industry. Compassionate self-talk sounds like: “After recently making a career change, there is much to learn. It makes sense that I don’t feel completely secure yet, but I have the right supports in place to help me succeed.”

Or, perhaps you are working on shifting your relationship with self-imposed pressures and perfectionism, you might learn to say: “it makes sense that I would feel rattled or uncomfortable when I’m new at this because I care so much about doing a great job and have high standards for myself.” Or, “this is the first time I’ve gone through ‘becoming a parent’ and I am scared!! I want so bad to get this right and be present and have everything go off without a hitch, but I know there is so much that will be out of my control, and that’s hard for me.”

Compassionate self-talk encourages us forward and it takes practice!

See if you can catch the “harsh self talk” this week and challenge yourself to shift it. Tolerating discomfort and allowing yourself to evolve are life skills worth strengthening!

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Breakup to Breakthrough: When Splitting Up is For the Best

Jennifer Uhrlass — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 20:20:50 +0000

“We desperately need a more open dialogue about how severely heartbreak impacts our emotions and functioning. And for such discussions to be productive, we have to disavow ourselves of the notion that there is something childish, embarrassing, or inappropriate about feeling severe emotional anguish when our heart is broken because heartbreak is devastating at any age.” –Guy Winch

Dealing With Heartbreak…

Breakups can be one of the most painful emotional experiences whether or not you initiated it or even when they’re mutual. Often they involve many complicated emotions all at once—maybe you didn’t want it to end, and so you feel a deep and painful void. Or maybe you feel it was right that it ended but still deeply miss the person or aspects of the relationship you shared together.

Overwhelming Grief…

It might even feel like the loneliness can only be resolved by being with the person again. You might have regrets, unanswered questions, and many worries about the future–this is normal and to be expected. The grieving process can be overwhelming and feel like a double whammy in some ways—you might miss the person and then also the life you built together. You might know it’s for the best, but feel a deep sadness inside. Healing is possible and it starts with self reflection.

Deepening Self-Awareness…

Breakups bring a new beginning that we might not feel ready to step into fully. If you’re lucky, you may have had the chance to process your emotions together, but so often relationships end without this opportunity. When we honor our unique process of healing it allows us to move forward with greater clarity and intention.

You can learn to acknowledge:

“I am in pain, how can I allow myself to be curious about this experience?”

“How can I take care of myself through this rough patch?”

Allowing yourself the space and time to grieve, to reflect, and to use your supports can help you move through the pain and build greater awareness for yourself as a partner. We often want ‘resolve’ emotional pain ASAP, but our hearts just don’t work that way. Often, there is important work to engage in around this ending so that you can be available, receptive, and ready for your new beginning. Dating with intention is a unique process. It can be worthwhile to check in with self and make any updates as necessary.

How Therapy Can Help…

When we take the time to explore our inner world and address past hurts, we experience a powerful shift. To help begin the exploration process, you can ask yourself:

What are my beliefs about relationships?
What constitutes a healthy relationship?
How do I make space for my needs?
What are my own personal goals in life? What are my dreams and why? How do I want to feel in my relationships?

Relationship beliefs can be both helpful/ unhelpful, here are a few covered in the evidence-based Seeking Safety model by Dr. Lisa Najavits:

Helpful beliefs:
Seeks understanding, not blame
In healthy, close relationships, anything can be talked about
While losing a relationship may be painful, I can mourn and move on
A good relationship requires effort but is worth it
It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship

Unhelpful beliefs:
I am always wrong, the other person is always right
Good relationships are easy
I must be liked by everyone
The other person has to change
Bad relationships are all I can get

Which ones resonate for you?

In healing yourself and addressing problematic patterns/ behaviors, you create new pathways of relating–which in turn can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. If you are going through a difficult breakup, perhaps MAPs For Life Transitions can help! This unique program helps you deal with major life transition so you can experience relief and a sense of hope for your future. To get started, call 917.708.7088.

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Learning how to set healthy boundaries…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 18:42:08 +0000

Setting better boundaries doesn’t happen overnight…

Deepening your understanding of your current boundary needs and setting a plan to honor them is radical self-love.

If you have a hard time setting boundaries, you might struggle to feel productive or that you’re truly tending to your own needs. Life often feels scary and overwhelming without them. You set boundaries to protect yourself and so you can be at your best. Thinking carefully about your boundaries with self and others helps you to be more intentional.

Can you think of a recent experience where you could have benefited from setting a better boundary?

When I first started my private practice back in 2014, some of the advice I received was “you want to be available anytime so you can accommodate appointments.” It can be easy to overextend yourself in the service of others–especially as a therapist. While this may sound like a great idea in theory, what I’ve learned in my decade of being a practicing therapist is that offering the special service of therapy is a very energy-sensitive kind of offering–one that requires great care to deliver well. If I am not rested, nourished, or if I’m struggling in some way to meet my own needs, it’s not possible for me to provide the best possible service to my clients. In being thoughtful about my boundaries when it comes to type of offering/ when I offer my services and for how long, I am able to map out my time in such a way that allows me to be at my best.

When you have good and clear boundaries with self and others, everyone wins. Because I have thought through my own needs, I’m able to be flexible in certain areas and I also know where I’m not able to be flexible.

What do boundary problems look like?

Boundary problems often present themselves in two ways: diffuse or rigid. When boundaries are too diffuse, we may struggle with enmeshed relationships. Essentially, there is too much closeness. When boundaries are too rigid, we might struggle to let someone in or build healthy connection with others. Essentially, we are too distant and have a hard time trusting others.

Boundary issues are important to correct and work on because they impact how we function in various relationships — with partners, colleagues, family members, friendships, and even on a first date.

Boundary issues can cause serious problems if unaddressed because they can lead us to being taken advantage of, exploited, or unable to feel entitled to stand our ground on an issue. They can also lead to shutting people out, isolating ourselves, and not asking for help when we need it.

In real life this might look like:

Struggling to say no when you want to
Not listening to yourself/ going against your judgment
Indecision for fear of letting others down
Giving in too easily
Not being clear with others
Subordinating your needs to others
Withholding from others
Closing self off from connection
Struggling to reach out
Struggling to make meaningful connections

What are intrapersonal boundaries?

A critical but often overlooked aspect of this work is intrapersonal boundaries or boundaries within self. We often think of boundaries in the context of being between people, but boundaries within self are just as important.

For example, how you might talk to yourself about engaging in a potentially harmful situation or leaving work at a normal time rather than overworking. Intrapersonal boundary work is especially important since we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. You can begin to work on boundary issues by practicing out loud what it sounds like/ feels like to say “yes” and “no” in specific situations of your life.

I’ll share more about this in an upcoming post ; )

If you are struggling with this area, here are a few questions that might be helpful to consider:

My ideal situation would be_____.
I wish _____ was different about _______.
What makes it tough to set a boundary when it comes to _______?
How would it feel to have a more clear boundary in place as it relates to _______?
What are my top priorities right now?
What are three areas of struggle for me right now and how long has it felt this way?

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A Holistic Approach to Treating Depression…

Jennifer Uhrlass — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 18:07:41 +0000

Feeling depressed sucks, but there is hope…

Frequency and Presentation:

It is estimated that depression affects approximately 16% of the US population.

Depression can feel like seeing life through dark sunglasses, making it hard to find any joy in daily life. You might feel withdrawn and desire to isolate more and more. Depression can look like prolonged sadness, loneliness, irritability, lack of motivation, sleep issues, frustration, anger, resentment, and can lead a person to isolate and pull away from connecting with others; inadvertently worsening the feelings of depression. Life then, can become a self fulfilling prophesy–you feel depressed and then you don’t take any action and because you don’t take action, you continue to feel depressed.

Sometimes it can feel so apparent that something needs to change, but actually taking that first step of asking for help feels like the hardest part.

Context

In my experience, depression, and more generally speaking mood related issues, also manifest differently based on an individual’s identity, background, socialization, and environmental factors that are experienced as being “out of one’s control,” making it difficult to identify mood concerns as depression. One example of this was found in a recent study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association which found that when men are depressed they may experience symptoms that are different than what is included in the current diagnostic criteria. Although men were likely to experience many traditional depression symptoms, men were much more likely to report symptoms of anger attacks/aggression, irritability, substance abuse, and risk-taking behaviors over symptoms such as withdrawal from friends, sleep problems, and feelings of complaintiveness. (JAMA Psychiatry)

Depression may manifest as a major impairment or in a more mild form which prevents you from actively working toward your goals and living with more intention. If left untreated, depression can be quite damaging to your sense of self, perceived competence, and your ability to maintain satisfying relationships.

Finding Relief…

Therapy for depression includes constructing a plan to relieve symptoms which also involves developing a deeper understanding of how to feel empowered within the contextual factors that contribute to what you’re experiencing. A holistic, 6-part approach has been known to be effective when treating depression:

Brain Food– evaluating your diet and making changes to help support your mood and overall functioning can help to improve moods. I often collaborate with other providers such as your primary care physician and nutritionist in order to help you make improvements in a healthy and responsible way.
Action-putting into place a plan that is doable. Setting achievable goals and following through with them is part of managing depression. Through therapy, we will also help you to put outside supports in place and create a sense of community for yourself.
Exercise– studies have shown that just 35 minutes of working out even in the form of a simple brisk walk, can be just as impactful as medications for depression so it’s worth giving it a try. In therapy, you will be able to make a plan that works for your lifestyle so you can make realistic progress.
Exposure to light-bright light stimulates the brain’s production of serotonin, which is crucial to our well-being. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter with widespread effects on mood and behavior. (The Depression Cure)
Sleep-is critical to our overall well-being and worth working on to improve. Here are a few tips to help you make some adjustments (list adapted from the book The Depression Cure, by Dr. Stephen Ilardi):
- Set the scene for sleep. What does your bedroom look and feel like? Is it peaceful and conducive to rest? If not, what small improvements can you make to help set the scene? Studies show that cooler temperatures and a dark room facilitates higher quality sleep.
- Anytime you’ve been lying awake for fifteen minutes, get up, leave the bedroom, and do something relaxing until you feel drowsy enough to return to bed.
- Avoid getting into bed anytime you aren’t drowsy.
- Anything you do to increase your drowsiness should be done somewhere other than the bedroom.
- You can make an exception in the case of sex.
- Avoid sleeping anywhere other than your own bed (i.e.- sofa, guest room, recliner).
  - Also helpful: get up at the same time every day, avoid napping, avoid bright light at night, avoid caffeine and other stimulants, avoid alcohol at night, if possible, keep the same bedtime every night, avoid taking your problems to bed with you (try a brain dump in a journal before getting to bed for example), don’t try to fall asleep.
Cultivate healthy, reciprocal connections/ let go of toxicity-connection heals and combats loneliness. All of us are born to connect. When we don’t feel meaningfully connected to others, we inevitably suffer. The late researcher, Dr. John Cacioppo developed the following acronym to help people with the process of cultivating connection. He believed it was important to EASE your way back into social connections…
- The first E stands for “extend yourself,” but extend yourself safely. Do a little bit at a time.
- The A is “have an action plan.” Recognize that it’s hard for you. Most people don’t need to like you, and most people won’t. So deal with that, it’s not a judgment of you, there’s lots of things going on. Ask [other people] about themselves, get them talking about their interests.
- The S is “seek collectives.” People like similar others, people who have similar interests, activities, values. That makes it easier to find a synergy.
- And finally when you do those things, “Expect” the best. The reason for that is to try to counteract this hyper-vigilance for social threat.

Hope

Therapy can be instrumental in making important shifts when it comes to managing depression. In my practice, I work with folks to help them honor what their depression may be trying to communicate and set a realistic plan to create a healthy routine and connection. Together we’ll work to help you gain a sense of stability while creating a more sustainable path forward. Treatment will take into consideration your history, past coping mechanisms, overall health and wellness, and your current support system and aim to strengthen these areas. Therapy is a unique type of service in that it requires you to be active both inside and outside of the therapy office. With that said, therapy requires a commitment to the process and a willingness to try something new and different.

Lisa A. Martin, PhD¹; Harold W. Neighbors, PhD²; Derek M. Griffith, PhD^3,4

JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(10):1100-1106. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.1985

The Depression Cure by Stephen Ilardi

**This post is meant to provide general educational information regarding the management of depression; it does not take the place of therapy or medical advice from your doctor.

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What’s Your Relationship to Being a Beginner?

Jennifer Uhrlass — Tue, 19 May 2020 18:35:20 +0000

The struggle…

While browsing a local museum shop a while back (so much love for museum shops!), this nature-inspired pottery caught my eye. While I loved the colors and craftsmanship, I was most struck by the description of the artist…

The description mentioned where the artist ‘takes classes.’ This took me by surprise since I would have expected it to read where she might teach classes instead of where she is a student…I got to thinking about the value of maintaining a beginner’s mind as we move through life…

The value of a beginner’s mind…

There are so many “firsts” in life. The first time you go on a date, the first time you start to date someone seriously, the first time you experience heartbreak, a new job, a new city, a new position, a new life experience such as becoming a parent. All of these “firsts” naturally involve A LOT of not knowing — and not knowing can be difficult, scary, and highly unpleasant.

In an attempt to control the discomfort, we may become defensive or agitated or frustrated throughout the process. Or, we might shut people out because we can’t tolerate the idea that perhaps we might look a little sloppy while we are learning…

‘New’ implies there is a neediness, and needy can be a difficult emotion to navigate.

But perhaps there is value in shifting the perspective.

Michelangelo’s famous last words “I am still learning” or “ancora imparo” in Italian are wise and powerful because they remind us that even a master can admit they don’t know it all, that they are still being influenced by new information; new relationships. Relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman found that being open to influence is essential in satisfying intimate relationships. And in order to be open, we must first accept that we don’t know it all.

Why do we resist?

People can have a complicated relationship to being new at something because it naturally implies that things will “be out of sorts” for a time — messy; uncomfortable; unpredictable and usually frustrating. We might lack confidence and feel uncertain and struggle with the experience of lacking proficiency. This can be very challenging for some of us as it might be difficult to tolerate feelings of uncertainty or vulnerability.

However, as hard as it might be, there is beauty in being a beginner. There are many important relationship lessons to learn from the experience of being new at something…

It’s human nature to want things to make sense and to fit. Being new at something challenges all of that! We might want to make something concrete when in fact, it just isn’t – it’s more abstract, and it requires us to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty while we grow to understand it further. Or, it challenges us to tolerate the discomfort of personal struggle. I see this a lot in my work with new parents. It can be incredibly challenging to adjust to a new identity where so much is unknown. There is so much that is expected of you while simultaneously, you are charged with learning as you go. It’s overwhelming!

What’s it like to admit you don’t know something?

What’s it like to sit with your unique learning process when you are new?

What’s it’s like to remain curious with someone you’ve known for years?

This can be challenging for all of us!

It might feel extremely uncomfortable – incredibly vulnerable even, you might even perceive it to be unacceptable. Sometimes, certainty and being 100% sure is what’s encouraged/called for; it might go against the culture in which you’re immersed (think being a surgeon for example). Perhaps it’s difficult to admit when you’re wrong or when you’ve made a mistake because mistakes are viewed as unacceptable. This might be part of our conditioning too – depending on our experiences in our family of origin.

What we can learn from being a beginner…

There was a time even the most experienced among us were once new at our craft—feeling scared, incompetent, uncertain, and afraid. But things are always changing. “No feeling is final” -Rainer Maria Rilke

In practicing having needs, we get to be vulnerable and we can seek out and receive comfort, help, and support. As a beginner, we get to practice important relationship skills like asking for help, articulating our needs, the experience of being vulnerable; we get to work on the art of receiving and leaning on others.

To practice being okay with not knowing is to practice being open and vulnerable. These are critical skills in communication and in relationships because they allow us to practice being present and honoring where we are at — wherever that may be.

Here are a few valuable lessons that can come from being a beginner and why they can produce important results:

Learning how to receive…

Cultivating a healthy sense of entitlement is so important! We need to allow ourselves the beautiful gift of receiving. This can be a vulnerable experience for many of us because it requires that we allow someone in to play a role in our lives. If we pride ourselves on being independent and self-sufficient, this can feel especially out of our comfort zone. Receiving can be tricky. It’s an acknowledgement that we have needs and desires. Learning how to receive and prioritize pleasure in your life is essential for satisfaction in intimate relationships. Many folks struggle with this and it is worthwhile to explore what is keeping you stuck or preventing you from seeking out or allowing yourself ‘to receive’ more often in your relationships.

Asking for help

Similar to learning how to receive, asking for help can be a challenge too. It implies we don’t have it all together and that we need others. When we ask for help, we are allowing someone to be there for us. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness. No one knows it all, and no one knows you better than you know yourself.

In order to connect with others in an authentic way, we need to know where we tend to get stuck. If we came from a background where it wasn’t safe to ask for help or we felt rejected by our caregivers, we might never have learned to reach out and make our needs known. This can lead to an internal sense of loneliness. It can be a struggle to unlearn this; to allow yourself to shift perspective and try something new. Asking for help requires that we identify and articulate our needs. In relationship, this is necessary when it comes to experiencing intimacy and connection.

Understanding vulnerability

Vulnerabilities are important to understand because they can get in the way of cultivating genuine connection. Getting to know and understand your unique vulnerabilities requires self-examination. Sharing yourself authentically with others and allowing others to do the same with you is the foundation for building intimacy.

Vulnerabilities can form as a result of many life experiences including traumatic events, chronic patterns in our families of origin, painful experiences in prior love relationships, poverty, stigma, oppression, illness, physical limitation, and disparities of power imbalances between partners.

When we are new at something, we might feel especially vulnerable because we are more likely in a position of relying on others for help. In intimate relationships, ‘helping’ can be a way to show love and it can be difficult to do at times because it means admitting that we don’t have all the answers or that we we need others.

“Whenever we love we must deal with feelings of vulnerability and risk in relation to the loved person. We must grapple with the possibility that our hearts can be broken and that we can lose the loved person to betrayal, rejection, divorce, or death. Ultimately we do not have control over their feelings and actions. At the same time, on a daily basis, we must trust that the beloved will be there for us. In order to sustain a relationship over time, we must handle these existential contradictions of adult love by managing our fears and vulnerabilities in ways that are not detrimental to the relationship.” -Michele Scheinkman, The Family Process

The chance to practice self-compassion (when it counts the most)

Self-compassion helps us to navigate the rough terrain with kind attention and care. In deepening our empathy for ourselves and our own experience of being human, we learn important lessons that can help us to have empathy for others too. This is an essential skill in relationships. Self-compassion helps to promote personal growth. We can learn to say: “that was tough, and I didn’t have all the answers, but I made it through; I am a resilient person.” Or, “I understand myself differently as a result of that experience; it taught me more about what I actually want.”

Why self-compassion can be a challenge?

If we grew up in an environment where it was best to suppress our true feelings in order to survive, we may have learned to be harsh with ourselves to get through difficult times. Self-compassion might not have been seen as valuable or important and so we never learned to practice it. You can improve self-compassion with practice. You can start by noticing when you say harsh things to self and then work to shift the statements to a more empathic view. This can help you to grow stronger because you are allowing yourself the space to be imperfect with kindness. This is what all children need to feel in order to be encouraged and to develop strong self-belief. However, we often have some inner child healing work to do in order to get better at offering it to ourselves.

Being new is something to celebrate not avoid!

While the feeling of not knowing or being inexperienced is uncomfortable, it is necessary for our personal growth and can teach us important relationship skills. Deepening our sense of self-compassion as we learn can help us experience greater intimacy in our lives.

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Cultivating Resilience, Self-Belief, and Identity

Jennifer Uhrlass — Thu, 24 Oct 2019 23:24:17 +0000

Something that’s so important to keep in mind is this idea that you matter. We can often look around and experience so much noise around us that it can feel hard to feel a sense of peace and calm inside. It can also feel hard to maintain a sense that we are important and that we matter – to ourselves and to others.

I often think about this especially when it comes to relationships and how we relate and interact in relationships and how we experience closeness with others. For some, it is difficult to cultivate this consistently. There is often a tendency to look at how others impact us instead of how we impact others. I think we need to reverse this. This is not to say that how others treat us or interact with us isn’t important, (of course it is!), but in order to “do our part” we need to examine how we are contributing to the conversation and how we are entering an interaction. For example, we might be out in the world and maybe we are feeling rather small or insignificant in some ways – how does this then translate into how we experience ourselves and others in relationship?

If we didn’t grow up in an environment where we felt validated and affirmed (or particularly important in terms of how we felt or what we had to say), it can be harder to trust and truly believe in our goodness or believe in our gifts – or to even identify what our gifts are. This is especially difficult if we are also part of a group that has a history of being oppressed or shut out or shut down in their everyday lives. This can make it incredibly difficult to cultivate a sense of “I matter” “how I show up – what I have to say, my feelings have a right to be heard, I matter, I count.” I think if we don’t cultivate that inside as we grow, we can go our whole lives feeling a sense of “without” or a sense that we are not important. This has grave consequences – relationally, culturally, and globally.

So where to start? In my work as a therapist, I am always conscious and interested in how I help a person to become more empowered in their own life. There is a process involved: assessment, history taking, understanding of what’s working, what’s not, etc. I like to work very organically with my clients meaning that if something comes up that we feel deserves more time and attention, we may stay there for a little while to explore and to heal. Foundational to where we go is understanding their values as an individual. Exploring what is truly important and why helps us to have clarity about how we decide to move through life. Congruence, meaning your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are in alignment. You don’t say “I’m fine” when you actually feel terrible. You don’t say you care about someone but your actions prove otherwise. You are in alignment. When we are congruent, we can move through life with greater intention and make decisions with courage and conviction.

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Do I need therapy? Maybe. Probably. Don’t we all?

Jennifer Uhrlass — Thu, 24 Oct 2019 22:36:17 +0000

We all go through times when we feel ill-equipped to navigate a tough situation or distant from ourselves and others. We might know something’s off but struggle to figure out exactly how to change it or what can be done to produce different results.

Therapy offers a tailored approach to your personal development and improvement, and it provides a safe space to address a variety of concerns that are preventing you from enjoying your life to the fullest.

As a therapist, I can tell you that many of my clients reach out because they are struggling with a major life transition, a painful relationship issue, career related concerns, or a family conflict. Other times, people reach out to improve their physical intimacy and the quality of their communication with their partners. Sometimes they come in to develop healthy coping skills and work on living in more alignment with their personal values.

Additionally, some people come in to work on wounds that were never properly cleaned or ‘disinfected’ so-to-speak, and so the work involves ‘removing the bandaid,’ tending to the damage, and re-bandaging the wound so that it can finally heal.

To help my clients, I first listen carefully not only to their personal stories and what brings them in, but also to the many different narratives that make up their unique identities.

I walk with people for little while, holding hope, strength, and the firm belief that things can improve…

I founded Modern Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC to expand my capacity to help others to live fuller, more enjoyable lives by addressing issues and patterns that are acting as barriers to real connection and personal fulfillment. My approach is based on the belief that the therapy experience should feel safe, open, honest, and constructive. I help my clients take the necessary steps to make their lives and relationships more fulfilling, productive, and easier.

”We get together on the basis of our similarities, we grow on the basis of our differences.”

-Virginia Satir

The post Do I need therapy? Maybe. Probably. Don’t we all? appeared first on Modern MFT.